ANDY ERIKSON

pieces-of-reese asked: i made a picture of you with a unicorn in your hands but you have no submit button. sadface.

hahaha here! You are way too awesome!! 

No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Because the max is 100 monkeys.

I bet you could get more people to go to your Gun Shows, if your ticket salesmen weren’t so douchey.

Chicken snuggets. Snuggies for chicken nuggets. That’s what they’ll think of next.

Dolphin using crutches. That’s what gets me out of bed every morning. I’m just so lucky I’m not a dolphin using crutches.

LADY: “I’m not handicapped, I’m a paralegal.”
ME: “Oh, but how did you get paralegalized? Was it a weird horse accident?”

The cyber tooth tiger. Real, or super real?

My friends are mad that I’ve been signing my texts as JFK, But I’m just fucking kidding.

We’ve all put boots on our hands and tried to drink a bag of gummy worms.

Doesn’t matter if it’s empty and you found it, and you plan on throwing it away. Don’t walk around work with a can of beer in hand your hand

I get all my geography knowledge from a snow globe. Bet you didn’t know our atmosphere was glitter and vodka.

I yell “Chinese Fire Drill” while on the bus all the time, but they never let me back on.

All of this will be on the test.

I’ve decided that the tallest cowboy should get to ride a giraffe. Or my name’s not Giraffe Decider.

“People nod way too much in fiction books. It’s unnatural,” said Ricky. Beth nodded, tears running down her face.

An undertaker is scary. But an overgiver would be terrifying too. STOP GIVING ME POTATOES I’VE HAD ENOUGH!

I overheard a man get offended when his friend called a cruise ship a boat. He declared it was an insult and and understatement, like when somebody calls a diamond a rock. Seems like a rich people problem. The rest of us don’t give a shit. Apparently we have more to worry about then what things are called. You’d never here a poor person say, “Hey, that’s not a wiggle waggle. That’s a RAMEN noodle, have some respect.”

Raisins evolved from grapes.

I don’t buy organic pianos. Those are sad pianos that were raised in church.

Is it racist if I still can’t tell Kenan and Kel apart?

It’s throw Canadian quarters into water fountains and yell “communism!” day.

This salad dressing tastes like it has hipster tears in it, probably because it thinks it’s French.

I learned how to drive using a riding lawn mower. I learned that turtles are lazy, you should never wave at squirrels, and never drive in the street.

Watching paint get wet is fun though. Right guys?

I got lost at the grocery store all the time as kid. It’s like a maze for dumb children. There are no dead ends, but everyone looks like your mom. 

I always give homeless people money when they ask. I feel I owe them royalties for how much material they’ve given me.

I went to a gas station because i was on E. Oh, and i don’t have a car.

I wrote a joke about time travel next week.

In workout class today I yelled out, “I’m hungry!” and everybody laughed. And by everybody, I mean just me.

My boss told me that I needed to “Take it to the next level.” I remembered what I learned from video games, and I killed the boss.

Have you ever been broken up to over a message in a bottle? It’s awkward. It takes forever to pry the paper out of the bottle, and when you finally get it out, it’s written in pirate hand writing, and it says “You ARRRRRRn’t my girlfriend. Anymore.”

A granola bar is where vegans go to get drunk.

Maybe my dolphin is real, and I’M the imaginary friend. Did you ever think of that? Huh Dr Gumball Machine?

I printed my report out on sandpaper. I thought it was supposed to be a rough draft

Jokes are like kittens. You have to feed them using a snorkel.

I guess you’re not supposed to use hairspray on babies. I’m sorry! I thought it was pepper spray.

Midnight snacks are better than daytime snacks, because you get to pretend you’re a vampire and yell things like “Pasta Vs. Germany!”

All delivery guys are allowed to be high. Except baby delivery guys. Which is dumb, because they don’t even need to bring the baby anywhere. 

If a mummy is sleep walking, how can you tell?

I wish whenever I got an email, a man came to my door. Just like the good old days. -My grandparents.

As a kid, being lost meant not knowing exactly where your mom was. 

I like going through checkout lines then telling the cashier I was a secret shopper, and that they could’ve won a trip to Disney Land, if they hadn’t asked me if i wanted to sign up for that stupid charge card.

The Phantom of the Soap Opera, is about a bad actor who gets amnesia and sleeps with his neighbor’s mailman, not realizing that they had the same mailman.

One time, a lady came up to me after a show and asked if ladies really do come up to me after shows. And I said “Yep, and they always ask stupid questions.”

Since homeless people don’t have chimneys, they get their presents in barrels of burning garbage. Their present is garbage.

Schedule

@ACME open mic every monday

Skyline with Graham Elwood ~ Jan 26-28

ACME with Tom Segura ~ Jan 31-Feb 4

ACME with Todd Glass ~ Feb 9 at 8pm

Punchline Punchout ~ Feb 9 at 10pm

Valentines Shows Marshall, MN ~ Feb 10-11

Take My Wife Instead, ~ Feb 18th 

Cause Sound Bar ~ Feb 19th

6th Annual Verndale Lions Club Fundraiser ~ Feb 25

House of Comedy ~ May 29-Apr 3

My nose is running. A marathon. Aka 26.2 boogers.

I told my little cousin about Pinky and the Brain, and she thought it was a zombie show. Looking back, maybe it was.

A penny saved is a penny earned. A oney saved is a oney… Hey, where did this oney come from? Who’s is this? 

My to do list for today: 1.) Pretend I’m a motorcycle 2.) Learn how to play the kazoo 3.) Candy. 

It must suck to give high fives in outer space, because they always end up in your face.

Being in roller derby supposedly means you’re tough, but “Roller Girl” just sounds like the name of a super hero in a wheelchair.

Whenever I’m telling someone a dream I had, I always feel obligated to say that they were in the dream too. I think I do it just to keep them interested. I think they appreciate knowing that they were riding with me in the magic squirrel car, headed to panda canyon. When really it was just me and a Tom Hanks impersonator.

I wish they made toilet bowl cleaner in the color yellow. Not so I could pretend to pee standing up and have it feel real… But some other reason that makes sense. Or whatever…

I put sunscreen on my waffles and they still got burnt.

Maybe kids would eat their crust, if it wasn’t called crust. It’s like the word crap and rust got combined and tried to get as far away from joy as possible.

Why does the doctor leave the room when you undress? And by doctor I mean the TV repair guy.

I think your new years resolution should be to laugh more. And it starts NOW!

I yell “go fish” when I’m playing cards, AND when I’m stuck in fish traffic.

Has anybody ever tried to bring salad into a dressing room?

I’m better than you. In my humble opinion.

The only time I’ll answer a foreign person who says “how you say” is if they’re asking “how you say, do?”

Those were the days. Before adjectives apparently.

I went into a religious bookstore and asked “Where is your non-fiction section?” then I laughed and laughed.

i keep getting the electric slide confused with the electric chair. They’re both popular in the south, and are a form of punishment.

My name is actually Fieldy Butterton. Don’t tell my mom.

The reason people say “bless you,” after you sneeze is because they think you’re praying to Sneezus Christ.

My new years resolution is High Def. Because I’m Def gonna be High.

I dare you to read every joke.

There’s an elephant outside. But it wasn’t awkward.

The bad news is, we found a suicide note. The good news is, it’s also a Mad Lib!

Why are they called stuffed animals? It’s not like they can eat.

I remember when wicker was invented. They said it couldn’t be done.

I’ve never been to a black tie affair. But me and my loaf of bread have twist tie affairs every day.

I always thought Fonzie was just really bad at pig latin.

I list every item at my garage sales at 1,000,000 dollars. It makes bartering a lot more fun. I get to say things like “Okay, what about 750,000? Come on, be reasonable!”

square dancing is for squares.

There was a food fight at my first high school dance. Nobody knows who threw the first punch bowl.

Even the venus fly trap eats meat. Think about that vegetarians.

My hamster’s name is spilt milk. I don’t care what anybody says, I cry every time I think about how he got run over by that vacuum cleaner.

Whenever I close the gate on a chain link fence, I feel like I’m forcing two robots to hold hands.

I hope they do a remake of LOST and replace all the actors with an assortment of lobsters and cats.