May 2012
12 posts
The last joke is probably the best joke i've ever...
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
As a kid, I accidentally locked myself in a locker for 3 hours. That’s how I know i’m becoming an adult. Now I lock myself out of things. Like my apartment or my car.
Sometimes my jokes feel like something you could read during a...
3 tags
Getting drunk at the salad bar.
In Arizona, the grass is always rockier on the other side.
“Good eye” -What I say to a cyclops who didn’t swing at a bad pitch.
Not many lumberjacks wearing polkadot shirts these days.
FACT: Japan’s flag is a closeup of a clowns face.
In math class I found out that my calculator was the brand Texas Instrument. But I’m pretty sure the “Texas...
Groucho Marx the spot.
Where’s Waldo might be ugly, but he’s always been good looking.
I’m terrible with money. My friend told me I should invest in a safe, and I was like, I can’t even afford to buy a safe. So instead i got a dangerous. I just keep my money in a pile in the front yard.
Mount Everest is supposed to be this intimidating mountain, but it sounds like it was name by a 4 year old....
If I was a lego person, I'd carry around my...
To solve the mystery of why my hair was so tangled, I hired Sherlock Combs.
I asked for a unicorn and my parents bought me a dog with a party hat on it’s head.
I asked a vampire how he wanted his steak, and he said, “Not wooden, and not jammed into my heart area.”
“The Jig is up.” - Will Smith’s tomb stone.
I sleep on my stomach. So I can pretend my blanket is a...
I covered my cats scratch post with scratch and...
I’ve been locked out of my apartment more times than the ice cream truck has driven by. Actually, it’s exactly the same amount of times.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just imagine an asian person trying to say squirrel.
Life flashed before my eyes, and I got to see life’s boobs.
My Last words: “If I could do it all over again, I think I’d ribbon dance...
Radio Show: Kids These Days →
Me and Alex Stein will be hosting our very own radio show Sunday May 13th.
10AM-11AM
You can stream it online live!
I ate a Reader's Digest. I guess I'm not a reader.
There’s no i in team, but there’s one i in pirate. So put this eye patch on and lets play some soccer!
It feels like our government is asking Miss America for economic and political advice. Then punching her in the face every time she says “world peace?”
I told an amputee at the poker table that he should fold. Because he didn’t have a good hand.
A scandal is a sandal...
There's always a wide selection at the plus-size...
If you get an enthusiastic hug from an acquaintance, they’re probably on E. Especially if you’re at a work function.
If I was on death row and had to decide my last meal, I would choose a big bowl of Life.
I failed my zoology quiz and refused to try again. Because I’m against doing makeup tests on animals.
You can tell if a shark is a douche bag if it’s wearing a necklace...
April 2012
7 posts
3 tags
Wizards are lizards that are really good at...
I always ignore the flight attendant’s talk about cabin pressure. I know all about that… You can’t forget the s’mores and the cribbage board.
I bought drugs from a squirrel once. They got the best Adderall.
There’s something about my purple sweatpants that makes me feel like royalty. Maybe it’s the camouflaged wine stains I got at church.
With all the money that...
Sabertooth tigers were vampire tigers.
Putting your hand on a stranger’s knee is a weird experience. And a game I play on the bus.
The rivers with the biggest mouth is Joan.
My kid’s going to have a God mother AND a devil mother. Somebody’s got to teach my little clone animal how to roll a joint.
When me and my boyfriend buy wooden shoes, we always go Dutch.
I gave the space alien a giant bottle of water because he...
I dunked a basketball. In BBQ sauce.
It’s so awkward when you say goodbye to someone, then you see them again a minute later. Especially since I end all my conversations with “I hope I never see you again!”
Why isn’t surprise on the periodic table? I thought there was always an element of surprise.
An officer asked me for the title to my car and I told him that “Mr. Streetcar” would suffice,...
Putting chocolate on a banana is not an invention.
The guy who wrote the song about rowing your boat either had a stutter… or was a musical genius.
I gazed into my mirror wondering what was inside my head. Curious, I opened the cabinet. “Oh yeah, prescription drugs and toothpaste.”
The first time I used a microphone I was all, “This isn’t a really tiny phone.”
Every day is laundry day for old people...
Spent my entire day high fiving a centipede.
I’m the pirate who gets made fun of because i don’t have an iPatch 3.
“Shut up science.” - Religion
My pomegranate juice says it’s rich in antioxidants. And I’m all, “Thanks for reminding me I’m poor. I don’t even have one antioxidant.”
I usually stand when I pee… my pants.
“It’s 4:02! Time to smoke some weed!”...
March 2012
9 posts
These jokes might ruffle some feathers. But I...
I have a long standing relationship with the DMV.
My fly is down. I wish I knew why it was so sad.
I drunk dialed what I thought was the pentagon last night. Or as I proclaimed “I’m making a business call. A super business call.”
I bought four identical Harry Potter posters and hung one on each wall. My best attempt at wallpapering.
I wonder if a short adorable person ever...
New batch of haha's.
You are what you eat. And I eat clones of myself.
I was talking to my friend about Puff the Dragon, and he was like, “Don’t you mean Puff the MAGIC Dragon?” and i was like “All dragons are magical!”
Weird to think that Santa’s workshop now-a-days is probably just a bunch of tech nerds. Pretty sure elves can’t make iPods and Xboxes.
I had my friend fill out...
1 tag
5 quick quips! Read them to your boss and get a...
I saw a homeless guy dressed as a pirate and I was like “Pffffft. You don’t know where the treasure is.”
My voicemail used to include instructions on how to take care of a baby dinosaur, and my grandma would leave the most confused messages.
When two potheads breakup, all they want is joint custody.
I found this in one of my old notebooks, God i’m clever: “Spread...
1 tag
Bacon bits. I mean jokes.
I’m not looking forward to Spring cleaning. I never should have brought my slinkys mud wrestling.
I checked into a nearby rehab center. On foursquare. I don’t have a problem, I just want to be the drunkest coolest mayor.
Watching Downton Abbey makes me realize I don’t brush my shoulders enough.
I wish after all of my jokes somebody would just say “I see what you did...
Put your reading glasses on! It's time to party!
Science is crazy! I can’t believe we have lab rats. Half labrador, half rats.
If you yell shotgun, you get to sit in the front seat of the car. If you yell shotgun on a bus, you can sit anywhere you want.
A wrap is just a stupid burrito.
“Drink, and be Mary,” is a great holiday toast, but it’s terrible advice if you’re acting in the Christmas pageant.
You...
2 tags
explaining homophobia
I’ve been forced to explain homophobia to my kids (aged 3 and 4) because their Aunt is homophobic. This incredibly difficult and traumatic experience went as follows:
Child: Why does aunt Rachel hate uncle Pete and Jeremy? Me: Because they’re in love, and Aunt Rachel is a sad, ignorant women, who wants everyone to be as unhappy as she is. Child: Oh. She’s as dumb as a biscuit!
Thanks for reading my jokes friends! Here's some...
The Bill of Rights is so important. Without the 2nd amendment, bears wouldn’t have arms.
Bigfoot has to exist. Because I know Smallfoot does. Midgets.
Why does it feel like the devil tricks me into listening to Christian music?
Trendy terrorists shop at Turban Outfitters.
I’m taking an acting class. Just kidding I’m not. But you believed me, didn’t you.
Computer geeks go...
Untitled. Except for this.
I robbed a ski mask store. Pretty sure they recognized me.
A recent study revealed that the Garden of Eden was mostly marijuana. And it was a hit from an apple bong that showed adam and eve the truth.
If Walmart was a high school, I’d be prom queen. I’d also be captain of the meth team.
Dumb Lady: How do we get out of here?
Me: The stairs are over there.
Dumb Lady: No, we need to...
February 2012
9 posts
A whole paragraph of one liners.
If I was a pirate, it would be hard to not play an entire game of tic tac toe after burying the treasure.
Bendy straws sound flexible, but they really only have one move.
I don’t have my number 2 pencil for the test. It had to take a poop.
If your cribbage board uses tooth picks as pegs, you’re probably lower middle class.
My favorite brunch of the government is the...
Freeze. You're under a snow pile.
Popcorn and cat hair… Can’t remember the third ingredient in my grandmas famous trail mix.
Just witnessed a “friender bender” - a high five attempt turned accidental double face slap.
Got teased for wearing a back brace in school and my mom said “They’re just jealous they don’t have a cool place to put magnets.” Thanks mom.
My friend asked if my car...
1 tag
Toothfull Tuesday. (a mouthful of honest jokes!)
My feet are so big, I have to get high heels in men’s sizes.
I don’t know what a drug reference is, but i bet i’ll need one to get the job at Taco Bell.
I’m not saying I’m a dirty hippy, but It would take a skilled meteorologist to predict when I’m going to shower next.
Pretty sure I just walked into the movie Toy Story except with hotdogs.
If praying worked, my...
Clint Eastwood doesn't stay at the Best Western.
My dog sucks at yoga. Downward facing loser.
I keep getting Euros confused with Oreos. I used to think, “No wonder Europe’s economy is so messed up. People be eating their money.”
I love waking up to find that the last text message I sent was: Dinosaurs are so cool.
“Nay bores!” That’s what I say to the boring people who live next door, when they ask me to hang...
Forgot to get your girlfriend/boyfriend a...
My friend said to me: “If I was famous I’d go to Target and help people find things, just to make their day. That would be so awesome.” So I said, ”If you were famous you’d go work at Target?”
My grandma asked me where my neon yellow wristband was from, and I couldn’t resist saying “A really cool hospital!”
When a valley girl likes something on...
One time a milk carton spit jokes out of it's...
My favorite type of custody is joint custody. Because of the joint. You probably get it.
The unofficial theme of the new year, is corn dogs and over aged drinking.
Woke up this morning with my skinny jeans on my arms. I think that was my drunk attempt at pajamas.
Crazy Fact: There’s no vision test to get a hunting license. Is it blurry? Just shoot it! Is it not wearing orange? Shoot it...
It's my birthday today!
I don’t get why girls always ask for ponies. They’re a huge time commitment! You have to feed them, brush their hair, teach them horse karate so they can defend themselves… That’s why I always asked for a unicorn. They require no maintenance, because they are magical holy animals. God made unicorns for Jesus and Elton john so they could ride them across the atlantic ocean...
sometimes the reading rainbow wears glasses.
My battery died. I’m afraid to recharge it because you know. Zombie batteries…
MOM: “You’re such a night owl.” ME: “All owls are night owls. You can just call me an owl.”
Bus drivers would make good pirate ship captains. I just said that out loud on the bus, and someone mumbled, “This is a space ship you dummy.”
Sometimes my closet feels like...
January 2012
9 posts
pieces-of-teeth asked: i made a picture of you with a unicorn in your hands but you have no submit button. sadface.
No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Because the...
I bet you could get more people to go to your Gun Shows, if your ticket salesmen weren’t so douchey.
Chicken snuggets. Snuggies for chicken nuggets. That’s what they’ll think of next.
Dolphin using crutches. That’s what gets me out of bed every morning. I’m just so lucky I’m not a dolphin using crutches.
LADY: “I’m not handicapped, I’m a...
All of this will be on the test.
I’ve decided that the tallest cowboy should get to ride a giraffe. Or my name’s not Giraffe Decider.
“People nod way too much in fiction books. It’s unnatural,” said Ricky. Beth nodded, tears running down her face.
An undertaker is scary. But an overgiver would be terrifying too. STOP GIVING ME POTATOES I’VE HAD ENOUGH!
I overheard a man get offended when his...
Watching paint get wet is fun though. Right guys?
I got lost at the grocery store all the time as kid. It’s like a maze for dumb children. There are no dead ends, but everyone looks like your mom.
I always give homeless people money when they ask. I feel I owe them royalties for how much material they’ve given me.
I went to a gas station because i was on E. Oh, and i don’t have a car.
I wrote a joke about time travel next...
Jokes are like kittens. You have to feed them...
I guess you’re not supposed to use hairspray on babies. I’m sorry! I thought it was pepper spray.
Midnight snacks are better than daytime snacks, because you get to pretend you’re a vampire and yell things like “Pasta Vs. Germany!”
All delivery guys are allowed to be high. Except baby delivery guys. Which is dumb, because they don’t even need to bring the baby...
Schedule
@ACME open mic every monday
Skyline with Graham Elwood ~ Jan 26-28
ACME with Tom Segura ~ Jan 31-Feb 4
ACME with Todd Glass ~ Feb 9 at 8pm
Punchline Punchout ~ Feb 9 at 10pm
Valentines Shows Marshall, MN ~ Feb 10-11
Take My Wife Instead, ~ Feb 18th
Cause Sound Bar ~ Feb 19th
6th Annual Verndale Lions Club Fundraiser ~ Feb 25
Skyline with Nikki Glaser - Mar 1-3
Triple Feature at Corner...
My nose is running. A marathon. Aka 26.2 boogers.
I told my little cousin about Pinky and the Brain, and she thought it was a zombie show. Looking back, maybe it was.
A penny saved is a penny earned. A oney saved is a oney… Hey, where did this oney come from? Who’s is this?
My to do list for today: 1.) Pretend I’m a motorcycle 2.) Learn how to play the kazoo 3.) Candy.
It must suck to give high fives in outer space, because...
December 2011
5 posts
I think your new years resolution should be to...
I yell “go fish” when I’m playing cards, AND when I’m stuck in fish traffic.
Has anybody ever tried to bring salad into a dressing room?
I’m better than you. In my humble opinion.
The only time I’ll answer a foreign person who says “how you say” is if they’re asking “how you say, do?”
Those were the days. Before adjectives...
WatchDancing like a weirdo :)
AKA ”Expressing myself, at Express.”
I dare you to read every joke.
There’s an elephant outside. But it wasn’t awkward.
The bad news is, we found a suicide note. The good news is, it’s also a Mad Lib!
Why are they called stuffed animals? It’s not like they can eat.
I remember when wicker was invented. They said it couldn’t be done.
I’ve never been to a black tie affair. But me and my loaf of bread have twist tie affairs every...