February 2012
4 posts
Forgot to get your girlfriend/boyfriend a...
My friend said to me: “If I was famous I’d go to Target and help people find things, just to make their day. That would be so awesome.” So I said, ”If you were famous you’d go work at Target?”
My grandma asked me where my neon yellow wristband was from, and I couldn’t resist saying “A really cool hospital!”
When a valley girl likes something on...
One time a milk carton spit jokes out of it's...
My favorite type of custody is joint custody. Because of the joint. You probably get it.
The unofficial theme of the new year, is corn dogs and over aged drinking.
Woke up this morning with my skinny jeans on my arms. I think that was my drunk attempt at pajamas.
Crazy Fact: There’s no vision test to get a hunting license. Is it blurry? Just shoot it! Is it not wearing orange? Shoot it...
It's my birthday today!
I don’t get why girls always ask for ponies. They’re a huge time commitment! You have to feed them, brush their hair, teach them horse karate so they can defend themselves… That’s why I always asked for a unicorn. They require no maintenance, because they are magical holy animals. God made unicorns for Jesus and Elton john so they could ride them across the atlantic ocean...
sometimes the reading rainbow wears glasses.
My battery died. I’m afraid to recharge it because you know. Zombie batteries…
MOM: “You’re such a night owl.” ME: “All owls are night owls. You can just call me an owl.”
Bus drivers would make good pirate ship captains. I just said that out loud on the bus, and someone mumbled, “This is a space ship you dummy.”
Sometimes my closet feels like...
January 2012
9 posts
pieces-of-reese asked: i made a picture of you with a unicorn in your hands but you have no submit button. sadface.
No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Because the...
I bet you could get more people to go to your Gun Shows, if your ticket salesmen weren’t so douchey.
Chicken snuggets. Snuggies for chicken nuggets. That’s what they’ll think of next.
Dolphin using crutches. That’s what gets me out of bed every morning. I’m just so lucky I’m not a dolphin using crutches.
LADY: “I’m not handicapped, I’m a...
All of this will be on the test.
I’ve decided that the tallest cowboy should get to ride a giraffe. Or my name’s not Giraffe Decider.
“People nod way too much in fiction books. It’s unnatural,” said Ricky. Beth nodded, tears running down her face.
An undertaker is scary. But an overgiver would be terrifying too. STOP GIVING ME POTATOES I’VE HAD ENOUGH!
I overheard a man get offended when his...
Watching paint get wet is fun though. Right guys?
I got lost at the grocery store all the time as kid. It’s like a maze for dumb children. There are no dead ends, but everyone looks like your mom.
I always give homeless people money when they ask. I feel I owe them royalties for how much material they’ve given me.
I went to a gas station because i was on E. Oh, and i don’t have a car.
I wrote a joke about time travel next...
Jokes are like kittens. You have to feed them...
I guess you’re not supposed to use hairspray on babies. I’m sorry! I thought it was pepper spray.
Midnight snacks are better than daytime snacks, because you get to pretend you’re a vampire and yell things like “Pasta Vs. Germany!”
All delivery guys are allowed to be high. Except baby delivery guys. Which is dumb, because they don’t even need to bring the baby...
Schedule
@ACME open mic every monday
Skyline with Graham Elwood ~ Jan 26-28
ACME with Tom Segura ~ Jan 31-Feb 4
ACME with Todd Glass ~ Feb 9 at 8pm
Punchline Punchout ~ Feb 9 at 10pm
Valentines Shows Marshall, MN ~ Feb 10-11
Take My Wife Instead, ~ Feb 18th
Cause Sound Bar ~ Feb 19th
6th Annual Verndale Lions Club Fundraiser ~ Feb 25
House of Comedy ~ May 29-Apr 3
My nose is running. A marathon. Aka 26.2 boogers.
I told my little cousin about Pinky and the Brain, and she thought it was a zombie show. Looking back, maybe it was.
A penny saved is a penny earned. A oney saved is a oney… Hey, where did this oney come from? Who’s is this?
My to do list for today: 1.) Pretend I’m a motorcycle 2.) Learn how to play the kazoo 3.) Candy.
It must suck to give high fives in outer space, because...
December 2011
5 posts
I think your new years resolution should be to...
I yell “go fish” when I’m playing cards, AND when I’m stuck in fish traffic.
Has anybody ever tried to bring salad into a dressing room?
I’m better than you. In my humble opinion.
The only time I’ll answer a foreign person who says “how you say” is if they’re asking “how you say, do?”
Those were the days. Before adjectives...
WatchDancing like a weirdo :)
AKA ”Expressing myself, at Express.”
I dare you to read every joke.
There’s an elephant outside. But it wasn’t awkward.
The bad news is, we found a suicide note. The good news is, it’s also a Mad Lib!
Why are they called stuffed animals? It’s not like they can eat.
I remember when wicker was invented. They said it couldn’t be done.
I’ve never been to a black tie affair. But me and my loaf of bread have twist tie affairs every...
November 2011
8 posts
square dancing is for squares.
There was a food fight at my first high school dance. Nobody knows who threw the first punch bowl.
Even the venus fly trap eats meat. Think about that vegetarians.
My hamster’s name is spilt milk. I don’t care what anybody says, I cry every time I think about how he got run over by that vacuum cleaner.
Whenever I close the gate on a chain link fence, I feel like I’m forcing...
The First Thanksgiving Comedy Show
Comedy has always been a big part of Thanksgiving, how can it not be, with drunk grandmas, racist uncles, and the bipolar “unicorn trainers” that get invited to thanksgiving dinners across America every year? But it’s more than that. Comedy is a MUCH bigger part of Thanksgiving.
A lot of people don’t know this, but there was a comedian booked for the very first Thanksgiving. He performed right...
before the internet we had to put messages in...
If you tell a caveman to use his indoor voice, he’ll just yell Echo Echo Echo!
My safe word is “right 23 left 18 right 34”
People are like snowflakes. If there’s too many in your yard you put gloves on so you won’t have to touch them.
Do animals have spirit humans? My cat’s is probably Forest Gump. Or whoever invented Jello.
The only reason potheads share...
These are jokes. Unless you don't laugh, then it's...
The mice in my apartment are the elephant in the room. But thank god there isn’t an elephant in the room or it’d be so pissed.
“I eat waffles like you for breakfast!” -What I say to the dumbest waffle every night before I go to bed.
I watched a book today. It was way worse than the movie.
Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? I make 3 figures a year, okay ...
9 tags
Comedy is like music. Except there's less dancing.
There’s a step ladder in my kitchen, and sometimes when I need to vent I like to yell, “You’re not my real ladder!”
A homeless guy on the side of the street asked me what my sign was. I said i already knew we weren’t going to be compatible because his sign was cardboard.
Hey Lysol Disinfectant spray, I’m worried about that .1 percent of germs… How come...
blah blah black sheep.
I wish spiders didn’t leave their Halloween decorations up all year long. Stupid webs.
I went to a Dunkin Donuts and held up a protest sign that read, “Water boarding donuts is illegal!”
The nativity scene has less Native Americans in it then I thought it would. And way too many magic babies.
Real “stand up guys” don’t do standup. They work at bird...
How do you do, Andy? →
Check out this article about me in the Minnesota Daily Newspaper!
To infinity and that's as far as we can go......
I want to go into a balloon store, and threaten to blow the whole place up!
My friend said typos add character. Great, another character? I’m never gonna masterr spellinng.
I apparently texted my friend that I got “trunk” last night. Either I went to that tree party or I joined that elephant gang after all.
Whenever I hear a valley girl say she’s ”totally for...
October 2011
7 posts
Corruptness... Gross #OccupyWallStreet
I hate that so many millionaires are representing us in Washington. It’s ridiculous. The politicians are too busy feeling entitled to feel anything even close to compassion for their constituents.
I wish the election process wasn’t a popularity contest. If I remember anything from high school, it’s that the most popular people were often the most ignorant, superficial and...
This isn't a high five, it's a space karate chop!
If they made bacon scented hand soap, I bet guys would start washing their hands after using the bathroom. Heck, even i would.
I was raised by wolves, so when I “cry wolf,” my wolf mom believes me, and brings me forest lasagna.
Animals get to be in a kingdom, that’s not fair. I think it should be called the animal system of checks and balances.
If you blow up balloons when...
4 tags
stranger than non-fiction
I won’t drink pool water. cuz there’s swimmers in it.
I can run faster than a shark. a shark on rollerblades? that’s anybodies game.
I delete my number out of my friends phones then text, “This is Unicorn Jesus!” You’d be surprised how many people know it’s really me.
If you think being a doctor is hard, try being a squirrel herder.
There’s a new...
Something to think about
my cat hates water. When it rains, it purrs.
When i get a stain on my shirt, i just yell “I can’t believe you got a tattoo without asking me!”
The only reason I like fishing is because I get to yell “accio fish!” every time I cast the rod. Then i whisper, “You’re a wizard andy.”
I like bowling, mostly because I get to hang out in a dark alley without...
Jokes for weirdos!
I had a 10 minute conversation with someone about trombones and I had no idea who they were. In my defense, I started the conversation.
Women hockey players are the worst spellers, because spell checking isn’t allowed.
Lasers are lazy. That’s why they always get fired.
If father nature hadn’t walked out on us, maybe the earth wouldn’t be so messed up.
i think post-it notes...
The planet of the grapes.
It’s tough dating an astronaut. They’re always yelling “I need some space!”
I feel bad for cabbage patch dolls… Addicted to cabbage at such a young age.
i always abbreviate the word serious to sears. because home appliances are no laughing matter.
Fisherman are the closest thing to real wizards. if only they could learn to cast spells.
God speed. Yeah, i’d...
September 2011
6 posts
Yeah I have a cabbage patch. I'm addicted to...
I set my grandfather clock 20 minutes behind. So at 4:20 i can hear it go “Bong Bong Bong Bong!”
The pool is full! Hang out in the wading room.
I bet the game Jinx is way more competitive for coke heads.
I always get carded twice whenever i wear a cardigan.
Did you know you can turn speeding tickets in for prizes at Chuck E Cheese? I got a horse tattoo, and an ankle bracelet.
I...
1 tag
You may have heard some of these before, but...
If a gingerbread man is depressed, is he a cookie cutter?
Fosters. Australian for “This Beer is Adopted”
When i wear my seat belt I pretend like it’s a pageant sash. “Hello, I’m Miss Oldsmobile Cutlass 1997. And if you cut me off i’m going to shove my world peace up your exhaust pipe” Smile. Wave. Smile. Flip the bird. Smile.
When you’re the only person on the bus, it feels like a limo....
100 jokes in 1 night. Here they all are.
#1 I bet people with OCD wish it was called obsessive compulsive order.
#2 I got to the end of the toilet paper roll and yelled “You’re a terrible mummy!”
#3 I was watching Shark Night 3D and it made me wish that the 3rd dimension was an alternate Dimension. One where i wasn’t watching Shark Night 3D.
#4 People who set their clocks 10 minutes behind are cocky assholes. They’re like i don’t care...
3 tags
I have psychic disabilities.
I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked my pet scissors.
I bet grizzly bears like people who wear skinny jeans. Because they can easily tell who the weak ones are.
You’re not a racist just because you run in races. It’s because you only run in 3k’s.
What’s your sign? The stop sign. Stop talking to me.
The city I was in last night had a blackout. In the...
August 2011
12 posts
The 50th joke post in the year 2011 (I love...
We have an arcade in my apartment building called The Laundry Room. Worst pinball machines ever.
Mountain Dew was originally called, Big Hill Water.
I spilled my milk, but it was really just a cry for help.
Of course I signed my stuffed animals up for gymnastics.
Never bring a knife to a pillow fight.
My sandwich has won me a lot of awards at sandwich shows. Yep, it’s pure bread.
My favorite type of weed is tumble.
When my stuff is acting crazy, i put shrink wrap on it.
I like to turn the air conditioning off and pretend I’m at a house warming party.
Don’t open expired starbursts! Unless you want a bunch of tasty black holes destroying you.
A beekeeper told me i was cute. It meant a lot because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Putting eyes on stuffed animal fruit at the state fair is so...
Anonymous asked: your ravenclaw message is so cool! did you expect to get ravenclaw with the answers you gave during the sorting hat quiz? what were the questions like? congrats!
It's April fools day today. April fools!
I don’t ever practice gymnastics with Waldo, because I can never spot him
I studied physics, so yeah I experimented in college.
PETA Pan lived in Never Never Eat Meat Land
I wear a TV on my wrist because i like to watch it.
Having a conversation with a cricket is awkward.
Bird punching isn’t a real sport. It would be an automatic foul anyways.
I’m pretty sure Abraham Lincoln was...
14 tags
I was sorted into Ravenclaw! Here was my Welcome...
Congratulations! I’m Prefect Robert Hilliard, and I’m delighted to welcome you to RAVENCLAW HOUSE. Our emblem is the eagle, which soars where others cannot climb; our house colours are blue and bronze, and our common room is found at the top of Ravenclaw Tower, behind a door with an enchanted knocker. The arched windows set into the walls of our circular common room look down at the school...
PETA Pan lived in Never Never Eat Meat Land
When I look at muffins I want to scream: “Why aren’t you a cupcake!? I’ll never love you! You’ll never be allowed to vote!”
When women wanted the right to vote did people exclaim “What next? Are we going to let dogs vote?”
If you run out of fish food you can’t use frosted flakes instead. Even if it’s a tiger fish.
I like to use handicapped...
This laser smells funny. Pew pew pew!
I think you should have to take a vision test to get your hunting license. Why isn’t that a thing yet?
I send my relatives who give shitty gifts “No Thank You” cards.
My sister asked if I knew who put the huge dent in the side of her car. I said it looked like a professional did it. Probably a dentist.
i love scratch and sniff lottery tickets! They smell like old pennies...
Squirting someone with a spray bottle isn't...
Teachers say it’s stupid to leave an answer blank on a fill in the blank test. But i’m pretty sure you’d think i was more stupid if you knew that i thought the capital of Cuba was Cuba Gooding Jr.
I like creating events on my cell phone. Today i created an event called “stuffed animal party” and i said it was a recurring event. My phone asked me when the event was...
11 tags
garbage in, garbage out. kittens in, don't let the...
I thought I saw an infomercial for bongs and then i knew for sure i was high. “If you call now we’ll throw in a box of cookies and a satchel of squirrels!”
Have you heard of whale week? It’s every week. Forever.
If snails turned into zombies, I think we’d all be okay.
Ghost pandas say bamboooo
Contrary to popular belief, a bird makes a terrible wingman.
I’m so...
I wish bro was short for "broccoli defense system"
If there was a pinball machine in the laundry room, I’d be at a crossroads every time i ran out of underwear.
“You put the FML in farm animal.” What i would say if a cow peed on me.
I plugged earphones into my deck of cards and listened to them on shuffle.
I wish there was a way to mock a drummer every time they do a bad rimshot in a real song. I usually just yell “Ha Ha Ha...