February 2012
9 posts
A whole paragraph of one liners.
If I was a pirate, it would be hard to not play an entire game of tic tac toe after burying the treasure.
Bendy straws sound flexible, but they really only have one move.
I don’t have my number 2 pencil for the test. It had to take a poop.
If your cribbage board uses tooth picks as pegs, you’re probably lower middle class.
My favorite brunch of the government is the...
Freeze. You're under a snow pile.
Popcorn and cat hair… Can’t remember the third ingredient in my grandmas famous trail mix.
Just witnessed a “friender bender” - a high five attempt turned accidental double face slap.
Got teased for wearing a back brace in school and my mom said “They’re just jealous they don’t have a cool place to put magnets.” Thanks mom.
My friend asked if my car...
1 tag
Toothfull Tuesday. (a mouthful of honest jokes!)
My feet are so big, I have to get high heels in men’s sizes.
I don’t know what a drug reference is, but i bet i’ll need one to get the job at Taco Bell.
I’m not saying I’m a dirty hippy, but It would take a skilled meteorologist to predict when I’m going to shower next.
Pretty sure I just walked into the movie Toy Story except with hotdogs.
If praying worked, my...
Clint Eastwood doesn't stay at the Best Western.
My dog sucks at yoga. Downward facing loser.
I keep getting Euros confused with Oreos. I used to think, “No wonder Europe’s economy is so messed up. People be eating their money.”
I love waking up to find that the last text message I sent was: Dinosaurs are so cool.
“Nay bores!” That’s what I say to the boring people who live next door, when they ask me to hang...
Forgot to get your girlfriend/boyfriend a...
My friend said to me: “If I was famous I’d go to Target and help people find things, just to make their day. That would be so awesome.” So I said, ”If you were famous you’d go work at Target?”
My grandma asked me where my neon yellow wristband was from, and I couldn’t resist saying “A really cool hospital!”
When a valley girl likes something on...
One time a milk carton spit jokes out of it's...
My favorite type of custody is joint custody. Because of the joint. You probably get it.
The unofficial theme of the new year, is corn dogs and over aged drinking.
Woke up this morning with my skinny jeans on my arms. I think that was my drunk attempt at pajamas.
Crazy Fact: There’s no vision test to get a hunting license. Is it blurry? Just shoot it! Is it not wearing orange? Shoot it...
It's my birthday today!
I don’t get why girls always ask for ponies. They’re a huge time commitment! You have to feed them, brush their hair, teach them horse karate so they can defend themselves… That’s why I always asked for a unicorn. They require no maintenance, because they are magical holy animals. God made unicorns for Jesus and Elton john so they could ride them across the atlantic ocean...
sometimes the reading rainbow wears glasses.
My battery died. I’m afraid to recharge it because you know. Zombie batteries…
MOM: “You’re such a night owl.” ME: “All owls are night owls. You can just call me an owl.”
Bus drivers would make good pirate ship captains. I just said that out loud on the bus, and someone mumbled, “This is a space ship you dummy.”
Sometimes my closet feels like...