It’s so awkward when you say goodbye to someone, then you see them again a minute later. Especially since I end all my conversations with “I hope I never see you again!”

Why isn’t surprise on the periodic table? I thought there was always an element of surprise.    

An officer asked me for the title to my car and I told him that “Mr. Streetcar” would suffice, but he could also call him Desire.

If you lose your marbles you’re crazy. If you keep finding marbles though, you need to get back in the time machine and return to the 21st century.

If hipsters rode horses they’d insist it get fixed before riding it.

If I was the captain of science, squirrelium and unicornium would be on the periodic table. And it would be called the magical table of Jesus pieces.

Coldplay sounds like a bunch of snowmen tickling each other. The word, and their music.

Pickup Line: You’re hotter than a plate that a waitress warns you about.

Fat Albert Einstein. That is all.

1 month ago · 6 notes

The guy who wrote the song about rowing your boat either had a stutter… or was a musical genius.

I gazed into my mirror wondering what was inside my head. Curious, I opened the cabinet. “Oh yeah, prescription drugs and toothpaste.”

The first time I used a microphone I was all, “This isn’t a really tiny phone.”

Every day is laundry day for old people because they’re always wearing granny panties.

The difference between getting rested and getting arrested, is that I took a nap on a cop car.

The only people looking for Big Foot are Star Wars fans because they think it might be Chewbacca.

What’s it called when you administer a vaccine? Well whatever it is, I’m gonna give it a shot.

That’s either a dollar sign, or there are no snakes allowed.

If I lived in a trailer home I’d buy like 30 copies of the movie Twister and have them on display.

My friend told me I might be an alcoholic. I said one beer a day is good for you. And I just have a lot of catching up to do.

1 month ago · 12 notes

I’m the pirate who gets made fun of because i don’t have an iPatch 3.

“Shut up science.” - Religion

My pomegranate juice says it’s rich in antioxidants. And I’m all, “Thanks for reminding me I’m poor. I don’t even have one antioxidant.”

I usually stand when I pee… my pants.

“It’s 4:02! Time to smoke some weed!” -Dyslexic Pothead

I bet Jesus was frustrated because he wanted to be a real comedian, and not just a magician.

1 month ago · 11 notes

I have a long standing relationship with the DMV.

My fly is down. I wish I knew why it was so sad.

I drunk dialed what I thought was the pentagon last night. Or as I proclaimed “I’m making a business call. A super business call.”

I bought four identical Harry Potter posters and hung one on each wall. My best attempt at wallpapering.

I wonder if a short adorable person ever thinks, “I want that big weird person to put me in their pocket.”

2 months ago · 12 notes

You are what you eat. And I eat clones of myself.

I was talking to my friend about Puff the Dragon, and he was like, “Don’t you mean Puff the MAGIC Dragon?” and i was like “All dragons are magical!”

Weird to think that Santa’s workshop now-a-days is probably just a bunch of tech nerds. Pretty sure elves can’t make iPods and Xboxes.

I had my friend fill out an application for me at Subway, and i realized my mom was right. I never apply myself.

If I was a supervisor i would wear a visor that had the word “super” on it, so people who like word puzzles would know who I am.

When life gives you lemons make lemonade. When a homeless guy gives you lemonade, it’s pee.

I think scientists need to focus more energy on teaching worms how to talk, so they can finally tell us how to make a worm hole. 

2 months ago · 7 notes

I saw a homeless guy dressed as a pirate and I was like “Pffffft. You don’t know where the treasure is.”

My voicemail used to include instructions on how to take care of a baby dinosaur, and my grandma would leave the most confused messages.

When two potheads breakup, all they want is joint custody.

I found this in one of my old notebooks, God i’m clever: “Spread the word. Wooooooooord.”

Before I eat them, I tell my oranges they look blue. That’s very complimentary.

2 months ago · 4 notes

I’m not looking forward to Spring cleaning. I never should have brought my slinkys mud wrestling. 

I checked into a nearby rehab center. On foursquare. I don’t have a problem, I just want to be the drunkest coolest mayor.

Watching Downton Abbey makes me realize I don’t brush my shoulders enough.

I wish after all of my jokes somebody would just say “I see what you did there.”

One time I snoozed and I won.

When I’m cold I drink brandy, and I say brrrr andy. 

2 months ago · 5 notes

Science is crazy! I can’t believe we have lab rats. Half labrador, half rats.

If you yell shotgun, you get to sit in the front seat of the car. If you yell shotgun on a bus, you can sit anywhere you want.

A wrap is just a stupid burrito.

“Drink, and be Mary,” is a great holiday toast, but it’s terrible advice if you’re acting in the Christmas pageant.

You go to Hell if you drop out of school before finishing the third trimester at a religious college.

2 months ago · 10 notes

I’ve been forced to explain homophobia to my kids (aged 3 and 4) because their Aunt is homophobic. This incredibly difficult and traumatic experience went as follows:

Child: Why does aunt Rachel hate uncle Pete and Jeremy?
Me: Because they’re in love, and Aunt Rachel is a sad, ignorant women, who wants everyone to be as unhappy as she is.
Child: Oh. She’s as dumb as a biscuit!

2 months ago · 24 notes

The Bill of Rights is so important. Without the 2nd amendment, bears wouldn’t have arms. 

Bigfoot has to exist. Because I know Smallfoot does. Midgets.

Why does it feel like the devil tricks me into listening to Christian music? 

Trendy terrorists shop at Turban Outfitters.

I’m taking an acting class. Just kidding I’m not. But you believed me, didn’t you.

Computer geeks go to concerts, jump onstage, and crowd source.

Fats Domino has a lot of bandwidth.

Hobos are like Train Pirates. Complete with missing appendages, eye patches and shoulder pets.

My friend told me a really boring storing about how he found 20 dollars. And then he found 20 dollars.

From now on all references to cat accessories will be capitalized. <- Why women shouldn’t be president.

2 months ago · 7 notes

I robbed a ski mask store. Pretty sure they recognized me.

A recent study revealed that the Garden of Eden was mostly marijuana. And it was a hit from an apple bong that showed adam and eve the truth.

If Walmart was a high school, I’d be prom queen. I’d also be captain of the meth team.

Dumb Lady: How do we get out of here?
Me: The stairs are over there.
Dumb Lady: No, we need to go down.
Me: What? They’re not one way stairs.

Dreamt I was MCing for a comedian who’s tagline was “Thank you goodnight.” I kept thinking he was done, and never got to eat my chef salad.

I told my art teacher that I was drawing a blank. She bought it and I was like, sweet! I’m done!

Do teenage girl trees have lumber parties?

2 months ago · 7 notes

If I was a pirate, it would be hard to not play an entire game of tic tac toe after burying the treasure.

Bendy straws sound flexible, but they really only have one move.

I don’t have my number 2 pencil for the test. It had to take a poop.

If your cribbage board uses tooth picks as pegs, you’re probably lower middle class.

My favorite brunch of the government is the eggsecutive.

Don’t do acid before your driving test. You’ll end up driving a mitten to Hawaii.

2 months ago · 12 notes

Popcorn and cat hair… Can’t remember the third ingredient in my grandmas famous trail mix.

Just witnessed a “friender bender” - a high five attempt turned accidental double face slap.

Got teased for wearing a back brace in school and my mom said “They’re just jealous they don’t have a cool place to put magnets.” Thanks mom.

My friend asked if my car had a car seat. And I was like, of course it does. It has 5. What a dumb question.

I thought a shark was eating a kids head, but it was just his hat. I haven’t been this disappointed since hat week.

You can fit 37 beanie babies into a brief case. So yeah, today was a good day at work.

The Northern Lights are God’s screen saver. He’s ignoring us, quick whip out the booze and lets covet some shit!

For once i’d like someone to donate money to kids with abilities. They’d actually be able to do something with it.

3 months ago · 11 notes