ANDY ERIKSON

I dare you to read every joke.

There’s an elephant outside. But it wasn’t awkward.

The bad news is, we found a suicide note. The good news is, it’s also a Mad Lib!

Why are they called stuffed animals? It’s not like they can eat.

I remember when wicker was invented. They said it couldn’t be done.

I’ve never been to a black tie affair. But me and my loaf of bread have twist tie affairs every day.

I always thought Fonzie was just really bad at pig latin.

I list every item at my garage sales at 1,000,000 dollars. It makes bartering a lot more fun. I get to say things like “Okay, what about 750,000? Come on, be reasonable!”

square dancing is for squares.

There was a food fight at my first high school dance. Nobody knows who threw the first punch bowl.

Even the venus fly trap eats meat. Think about that vegetarians.

My hamster’s name is spilt milk. I don’t care what anybody says, I cry every time I think about how he got run over by that vacuum cleaner.

Whenever I close the gate on a chain link fence, I feel like I’m forcing two robots to hold hands.

I hope they do a remake of LOST and replace all the actors with an assortment of lobsters and cats.

The First Thanksgiving Comedy Show

Comedy has always been a big part of Thanksgiving, how can it not be, with drunk grandmas, racist uncles, and the bipolar “unicorn trainers” that get invited to thanksgiving dinners across America every year? But it’s more than that. Comedy is a MUCH bigger part of Thanksgiving.

A lot of people don’t know this, but there was a comedian booked for the very first Thanksgiving. He performed right there on Plymouth rock, next to a giant willow tree that had an old lady face and gave advice. The show was billed as a private event for 8 Native Americans and 14 pilgrims. It was the first corporate gig in America.

You may be wondering why a comedian would want to perform in such an intimate and unusual setting, without a microphone, stage, proper lighting, or a skilled MC. It sounds horrible right? But for 7 satchels of beads and a suspicious looking blanket (with a value at today’s standard of at least 30 satchels of beads and a small pox vaccine) it was hard to pass up. It’s crazy, but a comedian will do anything if the price is right. Heck, they’ll even host the price is right.

The Comedian booked for the event, a Cherokee named “Sticks To Time,” arrived to the Thanksgiving gig early because he wanted to get a good read on his audience, but mostly because he was riding an excited buffalo and traffic was better than anticipated. He felt uncomfortable mingling amongst the Pilgrims and Indians. He didn’t know anyone and they all looked at him like he was a monkey. This wasn’t his ideal demographic either, way too many old religious people, and by old I mean people in their late twenties, (average life expectancy was 30) and by religious I mean super religious. Yep, this was going to be awkward.

One of the Whites tried to make small talk and kept referring to what he does as doing “skits.” And if you’re not familiar with comedy lingo, this is actually quite offensive and condescending, comedians prefer it be called “Haha fun time.” But of course, Sticks To Time didn’t correct her; you have to be polite if you’re going to get your satchels of beads. 

Sticks To Time’s attention was diverted away from the conversation when he noticed someone starting a fire, and sending out smoke signals. This was worrisome. He asked that they don’t tell any of the other tribes that he was doing haha fun time for them, because the comedy tribes were very territorial, and his whole family would get scalped if they found out he was performing within 200 miles of a competing club. A practice that is still upheld today.

Finally it was time to eat! The whites, Native Americans and Sticks to Time sat around a big picnic table full of yummy foods: pizza, cranberries, banana crème pie, egg rolls, and a pigeon that looked like a turkey. The Native Americans started to dig in, but were scolded “Not until we say a prayer! Sticks To Time, as our guest, will you lead us in prayer?” The nervous comedian went into survival mode and used “Improv” to declare, “Good bread, good meat, good God, lets eat!” Nobody laughed which was a bad sign, but even worse, nobody looked up. Apparently that wasn’t enough. So he continued his prayer, “Also… good trees… and good satchels of beads… good blankets… good god again… good colonization… good Johnny Appleseed… take it away Puritans!” It wasn’t looking good for our comedian hero. The puritans were disgusted. Why did he have to use Improv? That stuff is dark magic, nay witch craft. The lead Pilgrim rolled his eyes, said the lords prayer and suddenly announced “And now it’s time for Stinks Of Pine to do the thing. Get up on that stump and do your skit while we eat in front of you. ”

It was the worst introduction any comedian had ever encountered, they forgot to mention his credits, not that knowing that he won the Funniest Person with a Day Job Contest at the TeeHee TeePee Comedy Club would really have mattered… But they also murdered his name.

Sticks To Time’s mind was racing. I mean how do you follow the Lords Prayer? Not having any other choice, he dove into his jokes; if he wanted those beads, he’d have to start making his way through the 45 minutes of haha fun time.

The set was a blur. Looking back, he probably shouldn’t have opened with the Plymouth Rock Paper Scissors joke, or followed it up with the homo-erotic dream catchers and dream pitchers act out. And the topographical map bit that alluded to how god isn’t real went over everybody’s head. Crowd rap was beyond painful, everyone was from the same place, and everybody was unemployed. Winning them over with a joke about how women are terrible wagon drivers was also quite unsuccessful. They definitely didn’t respond to the dick jokes, and the closer about how Pocahontas was a whore just didn’t work it’s usual magic.

All in all, if you count the sounds of silverware scraping against plates, then Sticks To Time destroyed. And true to his name, He stuck to his time.

The real lesson here, is to not take comedy gigs on holidays, and instead spend it with your family. Your family might not be able to give you amounts of beads, but they’ll at least laugh at your weird prayer and if they’re not too drunk, they usually get your name right.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everybody! 

-Andy Erikson

before the internet we had to put messages in bottles.

If you tell a caveman to use his indoor voice, he’ll just yell Echo Echo Echo! 

My safe word is “right 23 left 18 right 34”

People are like snowflakes. If there’s too many in your yard you put gloves on so you won’t have to touch them.

Do animals have spirit humans? My cat’s is probably Forest Gump. Or whoever invented Jello.

The only reason potheads share is because you can’t say Marijuana without saying “wanna.”

I might be going out on a limb here, but i’m definitely going to catch that squirrel!

These are jokes. Unless you don’t laugh, then it’s a weird poem.

The mice in my apartment are the elephant in the room. But thank god there isn’t an elephant in the room or it’d be so pissed.

“I eat waffles like you for breakfast!” -What I say to the dumbest waffle every night before I go to bed.

I watched a book today. It was way worse than the movie.

Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? I make 3 figures a year, okay buddy! (what I say when I get into an argument)

I’ve found that adding “or whatever” to the end of something makes it more awkward. Or whatever…

Someone with terrible showmanship: “Yep sir, this is the uh… ship… I guess.”

If you go on a hunger strike for three days, at least you get a turkey.

Comedy is like music. Except there’s less dancing.

There’s a step ladder in my kitchen, and sometimes when I need to vent I like to yell, “You’re not my real ladder!”

A homeless guy on the side of the street asked me what my sign was. I said i already knew we weren’t going to be compatible because his sign was cardboard.

Hey Lysol Disinfectant spray, I’m worried about that .1 percent of germs… How come they get special treatment!? Occupy Kitchen Counter.

Don’t tell secrets near a grape vine.

I like to shoot water fountains with a Super Soaker because I’m an adult and you can’t tell me what to do.

Every full moon I change my facebook picture to a werewolf. Every other day it’s a confused girl with a secret.

Safety first! Then what? Then the blender game!

blah blah black sheep.

I wish spiders didn’t leave their Halloween decorations up all year long. Stupid webs.

I went to a Dunkin Donuts and held up a protest sign that read, “Water boarding donuts is illegal!”

The nativity scene has less Native Americans in it then I thought it would. And way too many magic babies.

Real “stand up guys” don’t do standup. They work at bird charities and know all of their grandparents names. They don’t tell stories about their beards, and they don’t sell plasma for extra weed money. (a line from one of my recent lectures)

If the American eagle is bald, I bet the Mexican eagle has a mustache, the Japanese eagle is a robot, and the Canadian eagle has an extra head growing out of it’s neck. If we’re following stereotypes.

To infinity and that’s as far as we can go… technically.

I want to go into a balloon store, and threaten to blow the whole place up!

My friend said typos add character. Great, another character? I’m never gonna masterr spellinng. 

I apparently texted my friend that I got “trunk” last night. Either I went to that tree party or I joined that elephant gang after all. 

Whenever I hear a valley girl say she’s ”totally for real,” I imagine that she really supports fishing rods.

If bears were nice, “Care Bears” would be redundant. But it’s super not. Bears don’t care about shit. 

Fortune Tellers are similar to bank tellers. Except you’re always poor. 

Corruptness… Gross #OccupyWallStreet

I hate that so many millionaires are representing us in Washington. It’s ridiculous. The politicians are too busy feeling entitled to feel anything even close to compassion for their constituents.

I wish the election process wasn’t a popularity contest. If I remember anything from high school, it’s that the most popular people were often the most ignorant, superficial and vapid people in the whole school. They were either born attractive, or born rich. Neither of which required any work on their part. Popularity doesn’t guarantee quality. Only quantity. 

I don’t want rich, selfish, corrupt, ignorant people representing me. That’s not what I am. That’s not what Americans are. They’re only representing themselves. 

This isn’t a high five, it’s a space karate chop!

If they made bacon scented hand soap, I bet guys would start washing their hands after using the bathroom. Heck, even i would.

I was raised by wolves, so when I “cry wolf,” my wolf mom believes me, and brings me forest lasagna. 

Animals get to be in a kingdom, that’s not fair. I think it should be called the animal system of checks and balances. 

If you blow up balloons when you’re high, the balloons have magical powers.

I need a plumber. My plums are stuck in the bath tub drain. I was teaching them to swim and then I got distracted by not plums!

When i was a kid and I got a timeout, I used it like they do in sports. To plan my next move.

Jamaica must suck, because every day is a “mon”day. 

stranger than non-fiction

I won’t drink pool water. cuz there’s swimmers in it.

I can run faster than a shark. a shark on rollerblades? that’s anybodies game.

I delete my number out of my friends phones then text, “This is Unicorn Jesus!” You’d be surprised how many people know it’s really me.

If you think being a doctor is hard, try being a squirrel herder.

There’s a new video game coming out called Mario Grocery Kart. You go to the store and decide not to buy bananas. Then you leave in a hurry.

I wish it was called the home “stopping” network. Then maybe we’d have less porcelain dolls and weird baskets at my mom’s house.

If i was a llesbian llama… that’s how i’d spell it.

Something to think about

my cat hates water. When it rains, it purrs.

When i get a stain on my shirt, i just yell “I can’t believe you got a tattoo without asking me!”

The only reason I like fishing is because I get to yell “accio fish!” every time I cast the rod. Then i whisper, “You’re a wizard andy.”

I like bowling, mostly because I get to hang out in a dark alley without being afraid of stabbers and stray cats.

I’d have less friends if potatoes with sharpied on smiley faces didn’t count.

Who’s excited for the hams free phone? lots of cute pigs are!

Happy new years eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve eve everybody.