My feet are so big, I have to get high heels in men’s sizes.

I don’t know what a drug reference is, but i bet i’ll need one to get the job at Taco Bell.

I’m not saying I’m a dirty hippy, but It would take a skilled meteorologist to predict when I’m going to shower next.

Pretty sure I just walked into the movie Toy Story except with hotdogs.

If praying worked, my unicorn wouldn’t have cancer.

3 months ago · 8 notes

My dog sucks at yoga. Downward facing loser.

I keep getting Euros confused with Oreos. I used to think, “No wonder Europe’s economy is so messed up. People be eating their money.”

I love waking up to find that the last text message I sent was: Dinosaurs are so cool.

“Nay bores!” That’s what I say to the boring people who live next door, when they ask me to hang out.

What’s better for you, diet coke, or regular cocaine?

A fish stick in a bowl of water is the saddest pet store. It’s also a weird lunch.

You can’t make a living, being a zombie.

I manage an Applebees. Professionally.

I wonder if clouds ever look down at earth and say, “Hey that bunny looks like a cloud.”

If zombies liked candy instead of brains, they’d have so much fun at a parade. Sigh… Maybe in another life.

3 months ago · 7 notes

My friend said to me: “If I was famous I’d go to Target and help people find things, just to make their day. That would be so awesome.” So I said, ”If you were famous you’d go work at Target?”

My grandma asked me where my neon yellow wristband was from, and I couldn’t resist saying “A really cool hospital!”

When a valley girl likes something on facebook, she like, likes it.

Zebras are fat. But nobody can tell.

Homeless people have to make their bed. No, like they have to build it.

Is passive aggressive when you punch someone then write a post-it note that says: is this your blood? It might be good if it wasn’t there :)

Clerk: How was your stay at our hotel?
Me: I used the bath mat as a wash rag.
Clerk: I’m so sorry.
Me: It wasn’t an accident.

“Travis offered to carry my flash drive to class today!” -girl in grade school, near future.

Bookshelves are like really smart ladders.

“I wish you were beer.” -postcard to my soda.

3 months ago · 7 notes

My favorite type of custody is joint custody. Because of the joint. You probably get it.

The unofficial theme of the new year, is corn dogs and over aged drinking.

Woke up this morning with my skinny jeans on my arms. I think that was my drunk attempt at pajamas.

Crazy Fact: There’s no vision test to get a hunting license. Is it blurry? Just shoot it! Is it not wearing orange? Shoot it again!

A real frozen dinner is ice cream. None of this corn and turkey medallions strapped to a plastic tray shit.

I got robbed once, but the guy yelled “Take that!” Either he was being ironic, or he was the worst ever at giving people things.

Women who use the metric system are 10’s

I drunk ironed a pizza. Thought it would be faster than the “Stupid know it all oven face.” And because you can’t wear wrinkly pizza to work.

Pig Latin? Are you sure you don’t mean Porcus, porca Latin?

Of course bacon is good for you! Why else would it be so shiny and drippy?

3 months ago · 13 notes

I don’t get why girls always ask for ponies. They’re a huge time commitment! You have to feed them, brush their hair, teach them horse karate so they can defend themselves… That’s why I always asked for a unicorn. They require no maintenance, because they are magical holy animals. God made unicorns for Jesus and Elton john so they could ride them across the atlantic ocean to free the Native Americans.

3 months ago · 17 notes

My battery died. I’m afraid to recharge it because you know. Zombie batteries…

MOM: “You’re such a night owl.”
ME: “All owls are night owls. You can just call me an owl.”

Bus drivers would make good pirate ship captains. I just said that out loud on the bus, and someone mumbled, “This is a space ship you dummy.”

Sometimes my closet feels like the waiting room of a stuffed animal hospital.

VEGAN: Please refer to me as, “my Lord.”
STUFFED ANIMAL: Yes, my Lord.
VEGAN: Good, now bring me something with granola in it.

They must be running out of puzzles on Wheel of Fortune. “Milking a squirrel” isn’t technically an event. But it should be, Vanna drunkenly whispered.

A Mormon came to the door, and I was convinced he was the pizza guy. But he insisted, “It’s not delivery, it’s delivery from evil.”

“You shouldn’t go to school to become a reverse psychologist. I didn’t.” - my reverse psychology teacher.

There’s usually a substantial amount of copyrighted material in my dreams. Last night a Lady Gaga song fathered a Nike swoosh.

Male lingerie is a dragon t-shirt, with an undershirt that says “my other shirt has a dragon on it.”

3 months ago · 5 notes

I bet you could get more people to go to your Gun Shows, if your ticket salesmen weren’t so douchey.

Chicken snuggets. Snuggies for chicken nuggets. That’s what they’ll think of next.

Dolphin using crutches. That’s what gets me out of bed every morning. I’m just so lucky I’m not a dolphin using crutches.

LADY: “I’m not handicapped, I’m a paralegal.”
ME: “Oh, but how did you get paralegalized? Was it a weird horse accident?”

The cyber tooth tiger. Real, or super real?

My friends are mad that I’ve been signing my texts as JFK, But I’m just fucking kidding.

We’ve all put boots on our hands and tried to drink a bag of gummy worms.

Doesn’t matter if it’s empty and you found it, and you plan on throwing it away. Don’t walk around work with a can of beer in hand your hand

I get all my geography knowledge from a snow globe. Bet you didn’t know our atmosphere was glitter and vodka.

I yell “Chinese Fire Drill” while on the bus all the time, but they never let me back on.

4 months ago · 8 notes

I’ve decided that the tallest cowboy should get to ride a giraffe. Or my name’s not Giraffe Decider.

“People nod way too much in fiction books. It’s unnatural,” said Ricky. Beth nodded, tears running down her face.

An undertaker is scary. But an overgiver would be terrifying too. STOP GIVING ME POTATOES I’VE HAD ENOUGH!

I overheard a man get offended when his friend called a cruise ship a boat. He declared it was an insult and and understatement, like when somebody calls a diamond a rock. Seems like a rich people problem. The rest of us don’t give a shit. Apparently we have more to worry about then what things are called. You’d never here a poor person say, “Hey, that’s not a wiggle waggle. That’s a RAMEN noodle, have some respect.”

Raisins evolved from grapes.

I don’t buy organic pianos. Those are sad pianos that were raised in church.

Is it racist if I still can’t tell Kenan and Kel apart?

It’s throw Canadian quarters into water fountains and yell “communism!” day.

This salad dressing tastes like it has hipster tears in it, probably because it thinks it’s French.

I learned how to drive using a riding lawn mower. I learned that turtles are lazy, you should never wave at squirrels, and never drive in the street.

4 months ago · 5 notes

I got lost at the grocery store all the time as kid. It’s like a maze for dumb children. There are no dead ends, but everyone looks like your mom. 

I always give homeless people money when they ask. I feel I owe them royalties for how much material they’ve given me.

I went to a gas station because i was on E. Oh, and i don’t have a car.

I wrote a joke about time travel next week.

In workout class today I yelled out, “I’m hungry!” and everybody laughed. And by everybody, I mean just me.

My boss told me that I needed to “Take it to the next level.” I remembered what I learned from video games, and I killed the boss.

Have you ever been broken up to over a message in a bottle? It’s awkward. It takes forever to pry the paper out of the bottle, and when you finally get it out, it’s written in pirate hand writing, and it says “You ARRRRRRn’t my girlfriend. Anymore.”

A granola bar is where vegans go to get drunk.

Maybe my dolphin is real, and I’M the imaginary friend. Did you ever think of that? Huh Dr Gumball Machine?

I printed my report out on sandpaper. I thought it was supposed to be a rough draft

4 months ago · 8 notes

I guess you’re not supposed to use hairspray on babies. I’m sorry! I thought it was pepper spray.

Midnight snacks are better than daytime snacks, because you get to pretend you’re a vampire and yell things like “Pasta Vs. Germany!”

All delivery guys are allowed to be high. Except baby delivery guys. Which is dumb, because they don’t even need to bring the baby anywhere. 

If a mummy is sleep walking, how can you tell?

I wish whenever I got an email, a man came to my door. Just like the good old days. -My grandparents.

As a kid, being lost meant not knowing exactly where your mom was. 

I like going through checkout lines then telling the cashier I was a secret shopper, and that they could’ve won a trip to Disney Land, if they hadn’t asked me if i wanted to sign up for that stupid charge card.

The Phantom of the Soap Opera, is about a bad actor who gets amnesia and sleeps with his neighbor’s mailman, not realizing that they had the same mailman.

One time, a lady came up to me after a show and asked if ladies really do come up to me after shows. And I said “Yep, and they always ask stupid questions.”

Since homeless people don’t have chimneys, they get their presents in barrels of burning garbage. Their present is garbage.

4 months ago · 8 notes

@ACME open mic every monday

Skyline with Graham Elwood ~ Jan 26-28

ACME with Tom Segura ~ Jan 31-Feb 4

ACME with Todd Glass ~ Feb 9 at 8pm

Punchline Punchout ~ Feb 9 at 10pm

Valentines Shows Marshall, MN ~ Feb 10-11

Take My Wife Instead, ~ Feb 18th 

Cause Sound Bar ~ Feb 19th

6th Annual Verndale Lions Club Fundraiser ~ Feb 25

Skyline with Nikki Glaser - Mar 1-3

Triple Feature at Corner Bar - Mar 22

Women Rule ~ April 5

New Hope Cinema ~ April 6

Ricky Noran Bday Show ~ April 28

Running Aces ~ May 11

House of Comedy ~ May 29-June 3

ACME Comedy Club - June 5-9

HarmCON Convergence show - July 6

Convergence Main Stage - July 8

Comedy At the Pub - Aug 1

ACME comedy club - Aug 7-11

Los Angeles ~ Sep 1-Sep 27

4 months ago · 1 note