I won’t drink pool water. cuz there’s swimmers in it.

I can run faster than a shark. a shark on rollerblades? that’s anybodies game.

I delete my number out of my friends phones then text, “This is Unicorn Jesus!” You’d be surprised how many people know it’s really me.

If you think being a doctor is hard, try being a squirrel herder.

There’s a new video game coming out called Mario Grocery Kart. You go to the store and decide not to buy bananas. Then you leave in a hurry.

I wish it was called the home “stopping” network. Then maybe we’d have less porcelain dolls and weird baskets at my mom’s house.

If i was a llesbian llama… that’s how i’d spell it.

7 months ago · 38 notes