If they made bacon scented hand soap, I bet guys would start washing their hands after using the bathroom. Heck, even i would.

I was raised by wolves, so when I “cry wolf,” my wolf mom believes me, and brings me forest lasagna. 

Animals get to be in a kingdom, that’s not fair. I think it should be called the animal system of checks and balances. 

If you blow up balloons when you’re high, the balloons have magical powers.

I need a plumber. My plums are stuck in the bath tub drain. I was teaching them to swim and then I got distracted by not plums!

When i was a kid and I got a timeout, I used it like they do in sports. To plan my next move.

Jamaica must suck, because every day is a “mon”day. 

7 months ago · 9 notes