My battery died. I’m afraid to recharge it because you know. Zombie batteries…

MOM: “You’re such a night owl.”
ME: “All owls are night owls. You can just call me an owl.”

Bus drivers would make good pirate ship captains. I just said that out loud on the bus, and someone mumbled, “This is a space ship you dummy.”

Sometimes my closet feels like the waiting room of a stuffed animal hospital.

VEGAN: Please refer to me as, “my Lord.”
STUFFED ANIMAL: Yes, my Lord.
VEGAN: Good, now bring me something with granola in it.

They must be running out of puzzles on Wheel of Fortune. “Milking a squirrel” isn’t technically an event. But it should be, Vanna drunkenly whispered.

A Mormon came to the door, and I was convinced he was the pizza guy. But he insisted, “It’s not delivery, it’s delivery from evil.”

“You shouldn’t go to school to become a reverse psychologist. I didn’t.” - my reverse psychology teacher.

There’s usually a substantial amount of copyrighted material in my dreams. Last night a Lady Gaga song fathered a Nike swoosh.

Male lingerie is a dragon t-shirt, with an undershirt that says “my other shirt has a dragon on it.”

3 months ago · 5 notes