My favorite type of custody is joint custody. Because of the joint. You probably get it.

The unofficial theme of the new year, is corn dogs and over aged drinking.

Woke up this morning with my skinny jeans on my arms. I think that was my drunk attempt at pajamas.

Crazy Fact: There’s no vision test to get a hunting license. Is it blurry? Just shoot it! Is it not wearing orange? Shoot it again!

A real frozen dinner is ice cream. None of this corn and turkey medallions strapped to a plastic tray shit.

I got robbed once, but the guy yelled “Take that!” Either he was being ironic, or he was the worst ever at giving people things.

Women who use the metric system are 10’s

I drunk ironed a pizza. Thought it would be faster than the “Stupid know it all oven face.” And because you can’t wear wrinkly pizza to work.

Pig Latin? Are you sure you don’t mean Porcus, porca Latin?

Of course bacon is good for you! Why else would it be so shiny and drippy?

3 months ago · 13 notes