Whenever I see a homeless guy laying in the park, I want to give them a picnic basket and a blanket, so people won’t know for sure.

Don’t wear a toga to yoga. Or else.

Why don’t we make the entire shirt out of the tag material so it doesn’t stick out.

I buy Herbal Essences because it has the word “herb” in it. It’s like frosting for pot heads. 

If i had two children, and one of them was a squirrel and one of them was a dolphin. I would tell them both not to do drugs. But… I would let the dolphin drink beer. Because the dolphin’s never gonna do anything substantial with it’s life, might as well party. The squirrels gonna be a doctor probably.

Horses are so Frikken cool. Horses shouldn’t be forced to hang out with Amish people.

Real quote from a real show that I did at a fancy banquet. “Oh, I didn’t know I was performing at such a fancy banquet. If I’d of known that, I would have worn… My other plaid shirt.”

1 year ago · 18 notes