ANDY ERIKSON

The last joke is probably the best joke i've ever written.

Thu, 24 May 2012 11:14:02 -0500

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

As a kid, I accidentally locked myself in a locker for 3 hours. That’s how I know i’m becoming an adult. Now I lock myself out of things. Like my apartment or my car.

Sometimes my jokes feel like something you could read during a filibuster.

I would love to be surveyed for Family Feud. Just so there would be a few games where one person surveyed answered “Magic Bunnies!” Even when the question was, “Things you keep in the trunk of your car.” Or “Name a type of wood.”

Armadillo sounds like the exchange rate between arms and dillos. “You get an arm a dillo.”

Welcome to my website! Thanks for stopping by! Have you joined...

Wed, 23 May 2012 17:48:00 -0500

Welcome to my website! Thanks for stopping by! Have you joined my mailing list? Get exclusive content and updates on my comedy adventures!

Getting drunk at the salad bar.

Mon, 21 May 2012 15:13:21 -0500

In Arizona, the grass is always rockier on the other side.

“Good eye” -What I say to a cyclops who didn’t swing at a bad pitch.

Not many lumberjacks wearing polkadot shirts these days.

FACT: Japan’s flag is a closeup of a clowns face.

In math class I found out that my calculator was the brand Texas Instrument. But I’m pretty sure the “Texas Instrument” is a gun, or a waffle iron. Or a cattle prod. NOT a calculator.

A tsunami is just god waving. Goodbye.

Why did the chicken go into the wormhole? Because we test wormholes on chickens.

Groucho Marx the spot.

Tue, 15 May 2012 19:00:15 -0500

Where’s Waldo might be ugly, but he’s always been good looking.

I’m terrible with money. My friend told me I should invest in a safe, and I was like, I can’t even afford to buy a safe. So instead i got a dangerous. I just keep my money in a pile in the front yard.

Mount Everest is supposed to be this intimidating mountain, but it sounds like it was name by a 4 year old. “It’s the most biggest mountain everest!”

My friend asked me if i wanted a Bud Light. And I was like, Hell yeah! Low calorie weed sounds amazing!

They came out with Low Fat Chunky Monkey. But shouldn’t it just be called Monkey?

You promised you’d be ready for vacation. We made a packed.

If I was a lego person, I'd carry around my mustache head just in case.

Fri, 11 May 2012 19:01:09 -0500

To solve the mystery of why my hair was so tangled, I hired Sherlock Combs.

I asked for a unicorn and my parents bought me a dog with a party hat on it’s head.

I asked a vampire how he wanted his steak, and he said, “Not wooden, and not jammed into my heart area.”

“The Jig is up.” - Will Smith’s tomb stone.

I sleep on my stomach. So I can pretend my blanket is a giant cape.

The average vocabulary is five… wombulldingles

I drew eyes on all my socks so when my mom does my laundry she thinks I really love sock puppets.

When people get trapped on a dessert island, I don’t understand why they resort to cannibalism, when there’s ice cream and brownies everywhere.

I covered my cats scratch post with scratch and sniff stickers.

Thu, 10 May 2012 19:01:46 -0500

I’ve been locked out of my apartment more times than the ice cream truck has driven by. Actually, it’s exactly the same amount of times.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just imagine an asian person trying to say squirrel.

Life flashed before my eyes, and I got to see life’s boobs.

My Last words: “If I could do it all over again, I think I’d ribbon dance more.”

I can’t believe lions still have the outdated monarchy system and have a lion king. When are they gonna get their shit together and elect a lion president.

Golf balls don’t grow on tees.

How many people are going to need to take photocopies of their butts before we can officially call it the butt copier.

My dog asked me where the squirrels were, and I said, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Radio Show: Kids These Days

Tue, 08 May 2012 19:00:00 -0500

Radio Show: Kids These Days:

Me and Alex Stein will be hosting our very own radio show Sunday May 13th.

10AM-11AM

You can stream it online live!

I ate a Reader's Digest. I guess I'm not a reader.

Tue, 08 May 2012 09:01:21 -0500

There’s no i in team, but there’s one i in pirate. So put this eye patch on and lets play some soccer!

It feels like our government is asking Miss America for economic and political advice. Then punching her in the face every time she says “world peace?”

I told an amputee at the poker table that he should fold. Because he didn’t have a good hand.

A scandal is a sandal with a secret.

I put a shark tooth under my pillow. Woke up to find a bloody arm where the tooth had been.

Old people aren’t smart. They just have to read books with big words.

There's always a wide selection at the plus-size store.

Sat, 05 May 2012 01:02:39 -0500

If you get an enthusiastic hug from an acquaintance, they’re probably on E. Especially if you’re at a work function.

If I was on death row and had to decide my last meal, I would choose a big bowl of Life.

I failed my zoology quiz and refused to try again. Because I’m against doing makeup tests on animals.

You can tell if a shark is a douche bag if it’s wearing a necklace with a human tooth.

Slingshots are the lasers of medieval times. Sharks are the sharks of forever.

My kid’s going to have a God mother AND a devil mother. Somebody’s got to teach my little clone animal how to roll a joint.

Cereal Miracle It’s fun being weird.

Tue, 01 May 2012 20:00:00 -0500

Cereal Miracle

It’s fun being weird.

Wizard Breakfast! New video I made with Alex Stein!

Tue, 01 May 2012 19:56:00 -0500

Wizard Breakfast!

New video I made with Alex Stein!

stuffedanimalparty: Stuffed Animal Party! The podcast! By Andy...

Tue, 01 May 2012 17:28:00 -0500

stuffedanimalparty:

Stuffed Animal Party! The podcast! By Andy Erikson

Episode 1 contains: stuffed animal show and tell, reading from the pirate journal, famous person interview

First Episode of my new podcast is up! Stuffed Animal Party! (Just 8 minutes long!)

There were way more penguins.

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:20:39 -0500

There were way more penguins.

Wizards are lizards that are really good at peeing.

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:59:06 -0500

I always ignore the flight attendant’s talk about cabin pressure. I know all about that… You can’t forget the s’mores and the cribbage board.

I bought drugs from a squirrel once. They got the best Adderall.

There’s something about my purple sweatpants that makes me feel like royalty. Maybe it’s the camouflaged wine stains I got at church.

With all the money that gets donated to churches each year, you’d think they could afford a full liquor license and finally serve beer.

There’s no I in eye.

Don’t know why there was a homeless guy on the freeway, but judging by the thumbs up he gave me, I must’ve been driving pretty well.

“There’s no i in drunk!” -Yes there is, it’s the exclamation point. And just like you, it’s so wasted that it’s laying face down next to a garbage can.

Sabertooth tigers were vampire tigers.

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:15:00 -0500

Putting your hand on a stranger’s knee is a weird experience. And a game I play on the bus.

The rivers with the biggest mouth is Joan.

My kid’s going to have a God mother AND a devil mother. Somebody’s got to teach my little clone animal how to roll a joint.

When me and my boyfriend buy wooden shoes, we always go Dutch.

I gave the space alien a giant bottle of water because he said “Take me to your liter.”

Does this poison taste better with mashed potatoes or cinnamon toast crunch? Asking for an enemy.

We always hear about wrestle mania. When do we get to see wrestle depression?

I dunked a basketball. In BBQ sauce.

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 08:54:05 -0500

It’s so awkward when you say goodbye to someone, then you see them again a minute later. Especially since I end all my conversations with “I hope I never see you again!”

Why isn’t surprise on the periodic table? I thought there was always an element of surprise.

An officer asked me for the title to my car and I told him that “Mr. Streetcar” would suffice, but he could also call him Desire.

If you lose your marbles you’re crazy. If you keep finding marbles though, you need to get back in the time machine and return to the 21st century.

If hipsters rode horses they’d insist it get fixed before riding it.

If I was the captain of science, squirrelium and unicornium would be on the periodic table. And it would be called the magical table of Jesus pieces.

Coldplay sounds like a bunch of snowmen tickling each other. The word, and their music.

Pickup Line: You’re hotter than a plate that a waitress warns you about.

Fat Albert Einstein. That is all.

Putting chocolate on a banana is not an invention.

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 13:41:27 -0500

The guy who wrote the song about rowing your boat either had a stutter… or was a musical genius.

I gazed into my mirror wondering what was inside my head. Curious, I opened the cabinet. “Oh yeah, prescription drugs and toothpaste.”

The first time I used a microphone I was all, “This isn’t a really tiny phone.”

Every day is laundry day for old people because they’re always wearing granny panties.

The difference between getting rested and getting arrested, is that I took a nap on a cop car.

The only people looking for Big Foot are Star Wars fans because they think it might be Chewbacca.

What’s it called when you administer a vaccine? Well whatever it is, I’m gonna give it a shot.

That’s either a dollar sign, or there are no snakes allowed.

If I lived in a trailer home I’d buy like 30 copies of the movie Twister and have them on display.

My friend told me I might be an alcoholic. I said one beer a day is good for you. And I just have a lot of catching up to do.

Somebody told me to go fly a kite. I had no idea how difficult...

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:17:52 -0500

Somebody told me to go fly a kite. I had no idea how difficult that would be.

Spent my entire day high fiving a centipede.

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 21:39:41 -0500

I’m the pirate who gets made fun of because i don’t have an iPatch 3.

“Shut up science.” - Religion

My pomegranate juice says it’s rich in antioxidants. And I’m all, “Thanks for reminding me I’m poor. I don’t even have one antioxidant.”

I usually stand when I pee… my pants.

“It’s 4:02! Time to smoke some weed!” -Dyslexic Pothead

I bet Jesus was frustrated because he wanted to be a real comedian, and not just a magician.

These jokes might ruffle some feathers. But I guess that's for the birds to decide.

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 17:57:00 -0500

I have a long standing relationship with the DMV.

My fly is down. I wish I knew why it was so sad.

I drunk dialed what I thought was the pentagon last night. Or as I proclaimed “I’m making a business call. A super business call.”

I bought four identical Harry Potter posters and hung one on each wall. My best attempt at wallpapering.

I wonder if a short adorable person ever thinks, “I want that big weird person to put me in their pocket.”