ANDY ERIKSON

Forgot to get your girlfriend/boyfriend a valentines present? Read them my weird jokes!

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 15:03:44 -0600

My friend said to me: “If I was famous I’d go to Target and help people find things, just to make their day. That would be so awesome.” So I said, ”If you were famous you’d go work at Target?”

My grandma asked me where my neon yellow wristband was from, and I couldn’t resist saying “A really cool hospital!”

When a valley girl likes something on facebook, she like, likes it.

Zebras are fat. But nobody can tell.

Homeless people have to make their bed. No, like they have to build it.

Is passive aggressive when you punch someone then write a post-it note that says: is this your blood? It might be good if it wasn’t there :)

Clerk: How was your stay at our hotel?
Me: I used the bath mat as a wash rag.
Clerk: I’m so sorry.
Me: It wasn’t an accident.

“Travis offered to carry my flash drive to class today!” -girl in grade school, near future.

Bookshelves are like really smart ladders.

“I wish you were beer.” -postcard to my soda.

One time a milk carton spit jokes out of it's nose.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:20:59 -0600

My favorite type of custody is joint custody. Because of the joint. You probably get it.

The unofficial theme of the new year, is corn dogs and over aged drinking.

Woke up this morning with my skinny jeans on my arms. I think that was my drunk attempt at pajamas.

Crazy Fact: There’s no vision test to get a hunting license. Is it blurry? Just shoot it! Is it not wearing orange? Shoot it again!

A real frozen dinner is ice cream. None of this corn and turkey medallions strapped to a plastic tray shit.

I got robbed once, but the guy yelled “Take that!” Either he was being ironic, or he was the worst ever at giving people things.

Women who use the metric system are 10’s

I drunk ironed a pizza. Thought it would be faster than the “Stupid know it all oven face.” And because you can’t wear wrinkly pizza to work.

Pig Latin? Are you sure you don’t mean Porcus, porca Latin?

Of course bacon is good for you! Why else would it be so shiny and drippy?

It's my birthday today!

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 02:51:40 -0600

I don’t get why girls always ask for ponies. They’re a huge time commitment! You have to feed them, brush their hair, teach them horse karate so they can defend themselves… That’s why I always asked for a unicorn. They require no maintenance, because they are magical holy animals. God made unicorns for Jesus and Elton john so they could ride them across the atlantic ocean to free the Native Americans.

sometimes the reading rainbow wears glasses.

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:00:05 -0600

My battery died. I’m afraid to recharge it because you know. Zombie batteries…

MOM: “You’re such a night owl.”
ME: “All owls are night owls. You can just call me an owl.”

Bus drivers would make good pirate ship captains. I just said that out loud on the bus, and someone mumbled, “This is a space ship you dummy.”

Sometimes my closet feels like the waiting room of a stuffed animal hospital.

VEGAN: Please refer to me as, “my Lord.”
STUFFED ANIMAL: Yes, my Lord.
VEGAN: Good, now bring me something with granola in it.

They must be running out of puzzles on Wheel of Fortune. “Milking a squirrel” isn’t technically an event. But it should be, Vanna drunkenly whispered.

A Mormon came to the door, and I was convinced he was the pizza guy. But he insisted, “It’s not delivery, it’s delivery from evil.”

“You shouldn’t go to school to become a reverse psychologist. I didn’t.” - my reverse psychology teacher.

There’s usually a substantial amount of copyrighted material in my dreams. Last night a Lady Gaga song fathered a Nike swoosh.

Male lingerie is a dragon t-shirt, with an undershirt that says “my other shirt has a dragon on it.”

i made a picture of you with a unicorn in your hands but you have no submit button. sadface.

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:39:27 -0600

hahaha here! You are way too awesome!!

thisalexstein: The Invisible Pink Unicorn Trick! Some unicorns...

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 01:04:09 -0600

thisalexstein:

The Invisible Pink Unicorn Trick!

Some unicorns are palm sized!

A Hipster Christmas Story

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:59:04 -0600

A Hipster Christmas Story

No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Because the max is 100 monkeys.

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:51:47 -0600

I bet you could get more people to go to your Gun Shows, if your ticket salesmen weren’t so douchey.

Chicken snuggets. Snuggies for chicken nuggets. That’s what they’ll think of next.

Dolphin using crutches. That’s what gets me out of bed every morning. I’m just so lucky I’m not a dolphin using crutches.

LADY: “I’m not handicapped, I’m a paralegal.”
ME: “Oh, but how did you get paralegalized? Was it a weird horse accident?”

The cyber tooth tiger. Real, or super real?

My friends are mad that I’ve been signing my texts as JFK, But I’m just fucking kidding.

We’ve all put boots on our hands and tried to drink a bag of gummy worms.

Doesn’t matter if it’s empty and you found it, and you plan on throwing it away. Don’t walk around work with a can of beer in hand your hand

I get all my geography knowledge from a snow globe. Bet you didn’t know our atmosphere was glitter and vodka.

I yell “Chinese Fire Drill” while on the bus all the time, but they never let me back on.

All of this will be on the test.

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 17:45:41 -0600

I’ve decided that the tallest cowboy should get to ride a giraffe. Or my name’s not Giraffe Decider.

“People nod way too much in fiction books. It’s unnatural,” said Ricky. Beth nodded, tears running down her face.

An undertaker is scary. But an overgiver would be terrifying too. STOP GIVING ME POTATOES I’VE HAD ENOUGH!

I overheard a man get offended when his friend called a cruise ship a boat. He declared it was an insult and and understatement, like when somebody calls a diamond a rock. Seems like a rich people problem. The rest of us don’t give a shit. Apparently we have more to worry about then what things are called. You’d never here a poor person say, “Hey, that’s not a wiggle waggle. That’s a RAMEN noodle, have some respect.”

Raisins evolved from grapes.

I don’t buy organic pianos. Those are sad pianos that were raised in church.

Is it racist if I still can’t tell Kenan and Kel apart?

It’s throw Canadian quarters into water fountains and yell “communism!” day.

This salad dressing tastes like it has hipster tears in it, probably because it thinks it’s French.

I learned how to drive using a riding lawn mower. I learned that turtles are lazy, you should never wave at squirrels, and never drive in the street.

Watching paint get wet is fun though. Right guys?

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:07:49 -0600

I got lost at the grocery store all the time as kid. It’s like a maze for dumb children. There are no dead ends, but everyone looks like your mom.

I always give homeless people money when they ask. I feel I owe them royalties for how much material they’ve given me.

I went to a gas station because i was on E. Oh, and i don’t have a car.

I wrote a joke about time travel next week.

In workout class today I yelled out, “I’m hungry!” and everybody laughed. And by everybody, I mean just me.

My boss told me that I needed to “Take it to the next level.” I remembered what I learned from video games, and I killed the boss.

Have you ever been broken up to over a message in a bottle? It’s awkward. It takes forever to pry the paper out of the bottle, and when you finally get it out, it’s written in pirate hand writing, and it says “You ARRRRRRn’t my girlfriend. Anymore.”

A granola bar is where vegans go to get drunk.

Maybe my dolphin is real, and I’M the imaginary friend. Did you ever think of that? Huh Dr Gumball Machine?

I printed my report out on sandpaper. I thought it was supposed to be a rough draft

Jokes are like kittens. You have to feed them using a snorkel.

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 02:21:34 -0600

I guess you’re not supposed to use hairspray on babies. I’m sorry! I thought it was pepper spray.

Midnight snacks are better than daytime snacks, because you get to pretend you’re a vampire and yell things like “Pasta Vs. Germany!”

All delivery guys are allowed to be high. Except baby delivery guys. Which is dumb, because they don’t even need to bring the baby anywhere.

If a mummy is sleep walking, how can you tell?

I wish whenever I got an email, a man came to my door. Just like the good old days. -My grandparents.

As a kid, being lost meant not knowing exactly where your mom was.

I like going through checkout lines then telling the cashier I was a secret shopper, and that they could’ve won a trip to Disney Land, if they hadn’t asked me if i wanted to sign up for that stupid charge card.

The Phantom of the Soap Opera, is about a bad actor who gets amnesia and sleeps with his neighbor’s mailman, not realizing that they had the same mailman.

One time, a lady came up to me after a show and asked if ladies really do come up to me after shows. And I said “Yep, and they always ask stupid questions.”

Since homeless people don’t have chimneys, they get their presents in barrels of burning garbage. Their present is garbage.

Schedule

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:53:00 -0600

@ACME open mic every monday

Skyline with Graham Elwood ~ Jan 26-28

ACME with Tom Segura ~ Jan 31-Feb 4

ACME with Todd Glass ~ Feb 9 at 8pm

Punchline Punchout ~ Feb 9 at 10pm

Valentines Shows Marshall, MN ~ Feb 10-11

Take My Wife Instead, ~ Feb 18th

Cause Sound Bar ~ Feb 19th

6th Annual Verndale Lions Club Fundraiser ~ Feb 25

House of Comedy ~ May 29-Apr 3

My nose is running. A marathon. Aka 26.2 boogers.

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 15:49:25 -0600

I told my little cousin about Pinky and the Brain, and she thought it was a zombie show. Looking back, maybe it was.

A penny saved is a penny earned. A oney saved is a oney… Hey, where did this oney come from? Who’s is this?

My to do list for today: 1.) Pretend I’m a motorcycle 2.) Learn how to play the kazoo 3.) Candy.

It must suck to give high fives in outer space, because they always end up in your face.

Being in roller derby supposedly means you’re tough, but “Roller Girl” just sounds like the name of a super hero in a wheelchair.

Whenever I’m telling someone a dream I had, I always feel obligated to say that they were in the dream too. I think I do it just to keep them interested. I think they appreciate knowing that they were riding with me in the magic squirrel car, headed to panda canyon. When really it was just me and a Tom Hanks impersonator.

I wish they made toilet bowl cleaner in the color yellow. Not so I could pretend to pee standing up and have it feel real… But some other reason that makes sense. Or whatever…

I put sunscreen on my waffles and they still got burnt.

Maybe kids would eat their crust, if it wasn’t called crust. It’s like the word crap and rust got combined and tried to get as far away from joy as possible.

Why does the doctor leave the room when you undress? And by doctor I mean the TV repair guy.

I think your new years resolution should be to laugh more. And it starts NOW!

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:14:00 -0600

I yell “go fish” when I’m playing cards, AND when I’m stuck in fish traffic.

Has anybody ever tried to bring salad into a dressing room?

I’m better than you. In my humble opinion.

The only time I’ll answer a foreign person who says “how you say” is if they’re asking “how you say, do?”

Those were the days. Before adjectives apparently.

I went into a religious bookstore and asked “Where is your non-fiction section?” then I laughed and laughed.

i keep getting the electric slide confused with the electric chair. They’re both popular in the south, and are a form of punishment.

My name is actually Fieldy Butterton. Don’t tell my mom.

The reason people say “bless you,” after you sneeze is because they think you’re praying to Sneezus Christ.

My new years resolution is High Def. Because I’m Def gonna be High.

The Girl With The Dragon Ball Z Tattoo! The edgiest and most...

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 21:40:56 -0600

The Girl With The Dragon Ball Z Tattoo!

The edgiest and most sassy movie i’ve ever been in!

Dancing like a weirdo :) AKA ”Expressing myself, at...

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:47:22 -0600

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

Dancing like a weirdo :)

AKA ”Expressing myself, at Express.”

I dare you to read every joke.

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:20:00 -0600

There’s an elephant outside. But it wasn’t awkward.

The bad news is, we found a suicide note. The good news is, it’s also a Mad Lib!

Why are they called stuffed animals? It’s not like they can eat.

I remember when wicker was invented. They said it couldn’t be done.

I’ve never been to a black tie affair. But me and my loaf of bread have twist tie affairs every day.

I always thought Fonzie was just really bad at pig latin.

I list every item at my garage sales at 1,000,000 dollars. It makes bartering a lot more fun. I get to say things like “Okay, what about 750,000? Come on, be reasonable!”

Painting I did at my friends cabin moments before the snow fell...

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:30:05 -0600

Painting I did at my friends cabin moments before the snow fell :)

(using an iPad app called procreate)

square dancing is for squares.

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:29:23 -0600

There was a food fight at my first high school dance. Nobody knows who threw the first punch bowl.

Even the venus fly trap eats meat. Think about that vegetarians.

My hamster’s name is spilt milk. I don’t care what anybody says, I cry every time I think about how he got run over by that vacuum cleaner.

Whenever I close the gate on a chain link fence, I feel like I’m forcing two robots to hold hands.

I hope they do a remake of LOST and replace all the actors with an assortment of lobsters and cats.

The First Thanksgiving Comedy Show

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 15:59:00 -0600

Comedy has always been a big part of Thanksgiving, how can it not be, with drunk grandmas, racist uncles, and the bipolar “unicorn trainers” that get invited to thanksgiving dinners across America every year? But it’s more than that. Comedy is a MUCH bigger part of Thanksgiving.

A lot of people don’t know this, but there was a comedian booked for the very first Thanksgiving. He performed right there on Plymouth rock, next to a giant willow tree that had an old lady face and gave advice. The show was billed as a private event for 8 Native Americans and 14 pilgrims. It was the first corporate gig in America.

You may be wondering why a comedian would want to perform in such an intimate and unusual setting, without a microphone, stage, proper lighting, or a skilled MC. It sounds horrible right? But for 7 satchels of beads and a suspicious looking blanket (with a value at today’s standard of at least 30 satchels of beads and a small pox vaccine) it was hard to pass up. It’s crazy, but a comedian will do anything if the price is right. Heck, they’ll even host the price is right.

The Comedian booked for the event, a Cherokee named “Sticks To Time,” arrived to the Thanksgiving gig early because he wanted to get a good read on his audience, but mostly because he was riding an excited buffalo and traffic was better than anticipated. He felt uncomfortable mingling amongst the Pilgrims and Indians. He didn’t know anyone and they all looked at him like he was a monkey. This wasn’t his ideal demographic either, way too many old religious people, and by old I mean people in their late twenties, (average life expectancy was 30) and by religious I mean super religious. Yep, this was going to be awkward.

One of the Whites tried to make small talk and kept referring to what he does as doing “skits.” And if you’re not familiar with comedy lingo, this is actually quite offensive and condescending, comedians prefer it be called “Haha fun time.” But of course, Sticks To Time didn’t correct her; you have to be polite if you’re going to get your satchels of beads.

Sticks To Time’s attention was diverted away from the conversation when he noticed someone starting a fire, and sending out smoke signals. This was worrisome. He asked that they don’t tell any of the other tribes that he was doing haha fun time for them, because the comedy tribes were very territorial, and his whole family would get scalped if they found out he was performing within 200 miles of a competing club. A practice that is still upheld today.

Finally it was time to eat! The whites, Native Americans and Sticks to Time sat around a big picnic table full of yummy foods: pizza, cranberries, banana crème pie, egg rolls, and a pigeon that looked like a turkey. The Native Americans started to dig in, but were scolded “Not until we say a prayer! Sticks To Time, as our guest, will you lead us in prayer?” The nervous comedian went into survival mode and used “Improv” to declare, “Good bread, good meat, good God, lets eat!” Nobody laughed which was a bad sign, but even worse, nobody looked up. Apparently that wasn’t enough. So he continued his prayer, “Also… good trees… and good satchels of beads… good blankets… good god again… good colonization… good Johnny Appleseed… take it away Puritans!” It wasn’t looking good for our comedian hero. The puritans were disgusted. Why did he have to use Improv? That stuff is dark magic, nay witch craft. The lead Pilgrim rolled his eyes, said the lords prayer and suddenly announced “And now it’s time for Stinks Of Pine to do the thing. Get up on that stump and do your skit while we eat in front of you. ”

It was the worst introduction any comedian had ever encountered, they forgot to mention his credits, not that knowing that he won the Funniest Person with a Day Job Contest at the TeeHee TeePee Comedy Club would really have mattered… But they also murdered his name.

Sticks To Time’s mind was racing. I mean how do you follow the Lords Prayer? Not having any other choice, he dove into his jokes; if he wanted those beads, he’d have to start making his way through the 45 minutes of haha fun time.

The set was a blur. Looking back, he probably shouldn’t have opened with the Plymouth Rock Paper Scissors joke, or followed it up with the homo-erotic dream catchers and dream pitchers act out. And the topographical map bit that alluded to how god isn’t real went over everybody’s head. Crowd rap was beyond painful, everyone was from the same place, and everybody was unemployed. Winning them over with a joke about how women are terrible wagon drivers was also quite unsuccessful. They definitely didn’t respond to the dick jokes, and the closer about how Pocahontas was a whore just didn’t work it’s usual magic.

All in all, if you count the sounds of silverware scraping against plates, then Sticks To Time destroyed. And true to his name, He stuck to his time.

The real lesson here, is to not take comedy gigs on holidays, and instead spend it with your family. Your family might not be able to give you amounts of beads, but they’ll at least laugh at your weird prayer and if they’re not too drunk, they usually get your name right.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everybody!

-Andy Erikson