ANDY ERIKSON

Comedy is like music. Except there’s less dancing.

There’s a step ladder in my kitchen, and sometimes when I need to vent I like to yell, “You’re not my real ladder!”

A homeless guy on the side of the street asked me what my sign was. I said i already knew we weren’t going to be compatible because his sign was cardboard.

Hey Lysol Disinfectant spray, I’m worried about that .1 percent of germs… How come they get special treatment!? Occupy Kitchen Counter.

Don’t tell secrets near a grape vine.

I like to shoot water fountains with a Super Soaker because I’m an adult and you can’t tell me what to do.

Every full moon I change my facebook picture to a werewolf. Every other day it’s a confused girl with a secret.

Safety first! Then what? Then the blender game!

stranger than non-fiction

I won’t drink pool water. cuz there’s swimmers in it.

I can run faster than a shark. a shark on rollerblades? that’s anybodies game.

I delete my number out of my friends phones then text, “This is Unicorn Jesus!” You’d be surprised how many people know it’s really me.

If you think being a doctor is hard, try being a squirrel herder.

There’s a new video game coming out called Mario Grocery Kart. You go to the store and decide not to buy bananas. Then you leave in a hurry.

I wish it was called the home “stopping” network. Then maybe we’d have less porcelain dolls and weird baskets at my mom’s house.

If i was a llesbian llama… that’s how i’d spell it.

I have psychic disabilities.

I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked my pet scissors.

I bet grizzly bears like people who wear skinny jeans. Because they can easily tell who the weak ones are.

You’re not a racist just because you run in races. It’s because you only run in 3k’s.

What’s your sign? The stop sign. Stop talking to me.

The city I was in last night had a blackout. In the morning there were trees knocked down, and there was debris everywhere… I was like “Dang, this city knows how to party!”

garbage in, garbage out. kittens in, don’t let the kittens out!

I thought I saw an infomercial for bongs and then i knew for sure i was high. “If you call now we’ll throw in a box of cookies and a satchel of squirrels!”

Have you heard of whale week? It’s every week. Forever.

If snails turned into zombies, I think we’d all be okay.

Ghost pandas say bamboooo

Contrary to popular belief, a bird makes a terrible wingman. 

I’m so fat I can’t even touch my potatoes. 

drunk monkeys like monkey bars.

I dare you to bring a crazy straw with you to church on Sunday and use it during communion.

Whenever i see an apple that fell from a tree, I throw it as far as i can! So the apple will think it’s adopted.

Midgets can’t wear Tennis Shoes. They have to wear Ping Pong Shoes.

Santa. I don’t need 8 reindeer to fly. Just one liquored up pony.

Do you ever get done eating a bag of chips, and realize that it would have tasted better if you’d eaten the chips instead of the bag?

If homeless people had lemonade stands… It’s probably not really lemonade.

Pens only like to hang out with other pens. They’re very clicky.

I ran over a kid with my car. That’s one of my child hood memories.

Pwn America. Where n00bs buy and sell geek shit.

Whenever I see a tree hugger hugging a tree, I always yell “get a room!” Then I threaten to chop down a bunch of trees and just build one for them.

A gummy bear crossed me. So I ate his whole family.

“I don’t care how nice your capri pants are Rachel. I can see your ankles and that’s a double sin. One sin for each disgusting ankle.” -Muhammad

The game of Clue for red necks: was it my baby mama’s uncle, in or around the trailer, with the crocodile leg?

The game of Clue for Jersey Shore: was it The Situation, in the hot tub, with Snooki’s face?

I keep getting Hogwarts and Harvard confused.

“My weird glasses make it so people can see ME better.” -Hipster 

I hate spell Czech

Whenever I see a homeless guy laying in the park, I want to give them a picnic basket and a blanket, so people won’t know for sure.

Don’t wear a toga to yoga. Or else.

Why don’t we make the entire shirt out of the tag material so it doesn’t stick out.

I buy Herbal Essences because it has the word “herb” in it. It’s like frosting for pot heads. 

If i had two children, and one of them was a squirrel and one of them was a dolphin. I would tell them both not to do drugs. But… I would let the dolphin drink beer. Because the dolphin’s never gonna do anything substantial with it’s life, might as well party. The squirrels gonna be a doctor probably.

Horses are so Frikken cool. Horses shouldn’t be forced to hang out with Amish people.

Real quote from a real show that I did at a fancy banquet. “Oh, I didn’t know I was performing at such a fancy banquet. If I’d of known that, I would have worn… My other plaid shirt.”