ANDY ERIKSON

Comedy is like music. Except there’s less dancing.

There’s a step ladder in my kitchen, and sometimes when I need to vent I like to yell, “You’re not my real ladder!”

A homeless guy on the side of the street asked me what my sign was. I said i already knew we weren’t going to be compatible because his sign was cardboard.

Hey Lysol Disinfectant spray, I’m worried about that .1 percent of germs… How come they get special treatment!? Occupy Kitchen Counter.

Don’t tell secrets near a grape vine.

I like to shoot water fountains with a Super Soaker because I’m an adult and you can’t tell me what to do.

Every full moon I change my facebook picture to a werewolf. Every other day it’s a confused girl with a secret.

Safety first! Then what? Then the blender game!

stranger than non-fiction

I won’t drink pool water. cuz there’s swimmers in it.

I can run faster than a shark. a shark on rollerblades? that’s anybodies game.

I delete my number out of my friends phones then text, “This is Unicorn Jesus!” You’d be surprised how many people know it’s really me.

If you think being a doctor is hard, try being a squirrel herder.

There’s a new video game coming out called Mario Grocery Kart. You go to the store and decide not to buy bananas. Then you leave in a hurry.

I wish it was called the home “stopping” network. Then maybe we’d have less porcelain dolls and weird baskets at my mom’s house.

If i was a llesbian llama… that’s how i’d spell it.

garbage in, garbage out. kittens in, don’t let the kittens out!

I thought I saw an infomercial for bongs and then i knew for sure i was high. “If you call now we’ll throw in a box of cookies and a satchel of squirrels!”

Have you heard of whale week? It’s every week. Forever.

If snails turned into zombies, I think we’d all be okay.

Ghost pandas say bamboooo

Contrary to popular belief, a bird makes a terrible wingman. 

I’m so fat I can’t even touch my potatoes. 

If cookies have ghosts, my tummy is haunted.

Is a bipolar bear a crazy bear? Or a half gay polar bear? This is a question for Michelle Bachmann, expert in gay and crazy.

I have really good depp perception. Nope that’s not johnny depp, that’s a hot dog with a scarf on.

If sandwiches are people, I just committed a hate crime. Even if they’re not. I still stabbed that Asian.

if you love something, set it free. Abe Lincoln must have really loved slaves.

I think Jesus likes it when i drink communion with a crazy straw. Because it’s like he’s on a roller coaster! (zooop, loop loopdy loop!)

drunk monkeys like monkey bars.

I dare you to bring a crazy straw with you to church on Sunday and use it during communion.

Whenever i see an apple that fell from a tree, I throw it as far as i can! So the apple will think it’s adopted.

Midgets can’t wear Tennis Shoes. They have to wear Ping Pong Shoes.

Santa. I don’t need 8 reindeer to fly. Just one liquored up pony.

Do you ever get done eating a bag of chips, and realize that it would have tasted better if you’d eaten the chips instead of the bag?

If homeless people had lemonade stands… It’s probably not really lemonade.

Pens only like to hang out with other pens. They’re very clicky.

I ran over a kid with my car. That’s one of my child hood memories.

Pwn America. Where n00bs buy and sell geek shit.

Whenever I see a tree hugger hugging a tree, I always yell “get a room!” Then I threaten to chop down a bunch of trees and just build one for them.

A gummy bear crossed me. So I ate his whole family.

“I don’t care how nice your capri pants are Rachel. I can see your ankles and that’s a double sin. One sin for each disgusting ankle.” -Muhammad

The game of Clue for red necks: was it my baby mama’s uncle, in or around the trailer, with the crocodile leg?

The game of Clue for Jersey Shore: was it The Situation, in the hot tub, with Snooki’s face?

I keep getting Hogwarts and Harvard confused.

“My weird glasses make it so people can see ME better.” -Hipster 

Comedy Tips by Andy: creating a free simple mailing list

Even if you’re not ready to start sending announcements to your fans, it’s still a good idea to start gathering emails. (to check out my form click on my “mailing-list” link in the box on the top right)

My advice, create a Google Document, called a Form. A form is easily customized, and automatically stores submitted content to a spreadsheet. They’re free, and all you need is a gmail account.

To start, log into your Gmail account and click “documents” on the top left.

From here click “create new -> form”

Write in your title, and a description, then create input fields. I recommend things such as “Name, City, and Email” but you can add fun questions too.

To add new questions, you can click “add new topic” from the top or there is a duplicate button on the right of every topic box.

Once you have all the questions filled in you can chose a theme on the top left.

Now that you’ve got your form created, you can embed it in your website, by getting the code here: (on the top right) 

Also to view your form, there is a link at the bottom of the page:

and on the form page, you can copy the url to link to the form on your website, facebook or twitter. (What’s great is that if you ever change the theme of the form, or any of the text fields, the link will remain the same.) 

All the submissions will be automatically added to a spreadsheet that can be accessed in the google documents page.

To edit the form from the spreadsheet view click “Form -> edit form”

So that’s creating a mailing list!

Basically this is just a way to store and help acquire email addresses, and is not a way to manage and send out emails, but it’s a good start, and it’s free!

let me know if you have any questions, or want help adding the form to your website or blog! My advice is to link to the form and have it open in a new window. use a url shortener like http://bit.ly